I've been starting and restarting this blog all week. I've experienced so many emotions this week and I've never been very good at expressing them. I've been staying with my family for a week now. We've had a lot of good times this week. I would even say the fun times have definitely outweighed the stressful. Saying anything to the contrary wouldn't be fair. That being said, the source of my stress has really been my heartbreak over decisions and actions of another famliy member. Confronting it. Dealing with it. Have I gone about it the right way? Probably not. I think the most heartbreaking part of it all is that I was seeing myself in the whole situation. It is fair to think that I was directing a lot of anger at myself.
I'm human. I definitely make mistakes. I try to fix things. I try to do things the way I think they should be done. In the process I've uncovered some ugly in my heart that only shows that when I'm pointing out flaws in others I'm really pointing a critical finger into a mirror.
In the midst of this, being away from home, away from my element and the comfort of friends and familiarity, I've been thinking about other things that before I've put in the back of my mind. Things that I tend to not worry about when I'm at home, or at least I don't want to think about. Things that I shouldn't have allowed to affect the other things. There is much hurt in my heart that I pray I can soon let go.
All this being said, there have been moments this week where parts of me have been exposed. Some good, some not so good. Emotions have been building inside all week until tonight when that family member and I found ourselves bawling our eyes out after a simple trip to Wal-Mart. In the end, I had to tell her that I said things that I didn't mean because I care so deeply about her, and don't want to see her go down a path of destruction. Thoughts were shared, hearts were poured and truths were given. Things got real, and real scares the hell out of me. I don't like to be vulnerable. I was faced with anxiety, and my first reaction is always to flee. Most of the time I think I'm trying to escape myself.
After the raw emotions lay bare and the tears were shed, I think now there is an understanding. I wish I didn't care so much, but I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didn't. I think now I've expressed myself the right way, and I feel peace about it. I need to continue to allow God to work, because He loves her more than I can or ever will, and He seeks her out with a furious longing, just as He sought me and drew me to Himself when I was wandering. I can find rest in that simple fact. I have to remember that it's not people I'm fighting against, but the powers of darkness and Satan himself, and it's him my beef is with.
At the end of it all, I truly have had a good time. Even so, I am ready to go home and after a day of shopping tomorrow I will be ready to pack up my car and head back to Georgia Wednesday morning. I miss Milledgeville.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Vacation!!!
Happiness is all wrapped up in the title. It is vacation time and I have been looking forward to this week off since July 29. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (most of the time) but with any work we like a break. I'm extremely grateful for a job that gives me such breaks, because working retail for 8 years taught me that not everyone has that luxury.
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Oh for Joy
I have been bouncing around a thankfulness blog in my head for the past week or so. I've been allowing myself to slide into this "woe is me" mentality and I just don't like the thought pattern I've adopted as of late. It's entirely ridiculous and completely unfounded. I'm human, I stumble, I don't do things the way I should. I could stop there and use that excuse to justify my attitude, but as a child of the Creator of the Universe I can't really wallow in any sort of self-pity. It's sin. No other word for it.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Motivation
I was on a walk today and a lot of things were rolling around my crazy, unorganized mind. I was thinking a lot about motivation. Why do I want the things I want? Why do I do the things I do?
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thoughts
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I have a hard time organzing my thoughts and making sense of them. A lot of the time it looks like something exploded in my mind.
I'll do my best to list some of the things I've been thinking about.
-I feel like I'm in such a wierd place in my life. Such an "In-between" place. Ready for what's next but not really.
-I want so much to not lead a luke-warm spiritual life. I want to follow Jesus with all that I am.
-I am realizing that even though I know Jesus is the only thing that can complete me, I keep wanting and pining for things other than Him. I keep believing the lie that other things are going to make me whole, when I know He's all I need.
-I am terrified of lonliness. It's something I battle, and I'm worried that everyone will eventually leave. It seems silly when I say it out loud.
-I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I even want to grow up.
-I'm ready for a little romance. It's been far too long since I've had a real date. Does wonders for the self-esteem.
-I want to enjoy life more. Not that I don't now, but I think sometimes I take things for granted.
-I love to travel so much. I can't wait to drive up to Virginia this December and see all the sights. I'm excited about seeing my family too. I haven't seen my mom and sister since the beginning of June. I've never gone this long without seeing them and I miss them very much.
-I need to pray more. I need to believe God more.
-I want to find more happies in my every day.
-I want to love more. I hope people know how much I do love them.
-I am thankful for my friends. Truly. I hope they all know how much.
-I love the cold weather. It coupled with Christmas music makes me deliriously happy.
-Want to work on becoming more organized.
-Pumpkin really makes me happy. In all it's glorious forms.
God has shown me so much the past couple of years. He has revealed so many things to me about life, relationships and myself that are such solid Truths that I can't imagine how I did life without Him before. His grace is so evident in my life even before I came to know Him.
All I need to do is seek Him in all I do, and I know everything else will fall into place. It's just a matter of making all this head-knowledge become heart-knowledge.
I have a hard time organzing my thoughts and making sense of them. A lot of the time it looks like something exploded in my mind.
I'll do my best to list some of the things I've been thinking about.
-I feel like I'm in such a wierd place in my life. Such an "In-between" place. Ready for what's next but not really.
-I want so much to not lead a luke-warm spiritual life. I want to follow Jesus with all that I am.
-I am realizing that even though I know Jesus is the only thing that can complete me, I keep wanting and pining for things other than Him. I keep believing the lie that other things are going to make me whole, when I know He's all I need.
-I am terrified of lonliness. It's something I battle, and I'm worried that everyone will eventually leave. It seems silly when I say it out loud.
-I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I even want to grow up.
-I'm ready for a little romance. It's been far too long since I've had a real date. Does wonders for the self-esteem.
-I want to enjoy life more. Not that I don't now, but I think sometimes I take things for granted.
-I love to travel so much. I can't wait to drive up to Virginia this December and see all the sights. I'm excited about seeing my family too. I haven't seen my mom and sister since the beginning of June. I've never gone this long without seeing them and I miss them very much.
-I need to pray more. I need to believe God more.
-I want to find more happies in my every day.
-I want to love more. I hope people know how much I do love them.
-I am thankful for my friends. Truly. I hope they all know how much.
-I love the cold weather. It coupled with Christmas music makes me deliriously happy.
-Want to work on becoming more organized.
-Pumpkin really makes me happy. In all it's glorious forms.
God has shown me so much the past couple of years. He has revealed so many things to me about life, relationships and myself that are such solid Truths that I can't imagine how I did life without Him before. His grace is so evident in my life even before I came to know Him.
All I need to do is seek Him in all I do, and I know everything else will fall into place. It's just a matter of making all this head-knowledge become heart-knowledge.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The weight
Today was hard. The weight of the week has been pressing hard on me and I'm trying hard to just keep my head above water. I've been struggling with trying to remember important things and staying organized in both my personal and work life. It feels like there's just not enough time to do what I need to do yet the demands stay the same.
This year is new to me. I just haven't quite figured out how to do things right, and having multiple-grade levels in one class has been exceedingly challenging for me. I feel like I've been doing my best and actually felt like I was doing a decent job. My principal called me in today to tell me how I was doing and her review wasn't exactly satisfactory. I realize it is her job to give me feedback and provide me with constructive criticism, it's part of professional growth, but for some reason it hit me especially hard because I just feel like I've been trying so hard and then I learn I'm not really doing that great of a job. It's very discouraging and disappointing. I just want to be a good teacher. I think the fact that I've been tired and overwhelmed and frustrated all week hasn't helped with the way I've reacted to it today.
I'm not complaining, it just helps to get out my frustrations sometimes. These are the times during the week where I absolutely hate this empty apartment.
I think it's just been an overly emotional day for me and I just need to take a deep breath and thank Abba for all His blessings and let His love quiet me.
This year is new to me. I just haven't quite figured out how to do things right, and having multiple-grade levels in one class has been exceedingly challenging for me. I feel like I've been doing my best and actually felt like I was doing a decent job. My principal called me in today to tell me how I was doing and her review wasn't exactly satisfactory. I realize it is her job to give me feedback and provide me with constructive criticism, it's part of professional growth, but for some reason it hit me especially hard because I just feel like I've been trying so hard and then I learn I'm not really doing that great of a job. It's very discouraging and disappointing. I just want to be a good teacher. I think the fact that I've been tired and overwhelmed and frustrated all week hasn't helped with the way I've reacted to it today.
I'm not complaining, it just helps to get out my frustrations sometimes. These are the times during the week where I absolutely hate this empty apartment.
I think it's just been an overly emotional day for me and I just need to take a deep breath and thank Abba for all His blessings and let His love quiet me.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I ask You to help and You come
My ever-present help
I beg You to heal and You do
You heal all my wounds
I beg forgiveness and mercy You give
Endless flowing mercy and grace
I cry out in the darkest hour and don't see
But You're there holding me close
Though my faith runs and hides
You never change
Hold me forever in Your everlasting embrace
Let me see
Let me see Your face
Such grace
I can't take such Beauty
The Majesty, the glory of it all
I fall down on my face and worship
This. This is love, flowing freely
I've found love in this place
My ever-present help
I beg You to heal and You do
You heal all my wounds
I beg forgiveness and mercy You give
Endless flowing mercy and grace
I cry out in the darkest hour and don't see
But You're there holding me close
Though my faith runs and hides
You never change
Hold me forever in Your everlasting embrace
Let me see
Let me see Your face
Such grace
I can't take such Beauty
The Majesty, the glory of it all
I fall down on my face and worship
This. This is love, flowing freely
I've found love in this place
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