2012: A year in review

Since the Mayans were wrong, I have the opportunity to look back on 2012 and everything that transpired in those 366 days (hooray leap year!).

This year I was able to see one of my favorite bands in concert, Needtobreathe. It was an excellent show with even more excellent friends. Hope 2013 holds another opportunity to see these guys.

I took this video near the end of the concert. They unplugged everything and didn't use microphones for this song. It was incredible.



Spring break I finally had the opportunity to go with my church to Show low, Arizona on a mission trip. We spent the week doing various jobs around the grounds of the school they have for the Apache children, as well as go on to the reservation and minister to the children in their neighborhoods. We took the "Blue bus" around the neighborhoods and when the children heard the loud horn they just came running out towards the bus.

The blue bus

We shared a brief Bible story with them, prayed with them, and the best part was when we simply played with them.



It was a wonderful week of being the Hands and Feet. I enjoyed spending time with the children, but another great aspect of this trip was the time spent with the mission team. We worked side by side together, prayed, laughed and cried together. There was no dissension or tension amongst the team the entire week, which is a miracle in itself considering we spent an entire week in close quarters. :-)

My favorite part of the week and probably the most powerful was when we went to the top of a hill overlooking the reservation, spent some time in worship, and then we all spread out to pray over the Apache nation.

View overlooking the reservation

In June I was able to spend another week at Woodland Christian Camp with the wonderful middle schoolers that come out every year. This year was special because I got to spend my 26th birthday with all the staff and campers. If you really want to hear "Happy Birthday" 1,000 times, go to camp on your birthday. :-) It was a really awesome week.

The awesome female camp staff

The summer also brought a whirlwind of trips and visiting family that kept me busy and my heart full. A few days after camp I drove 9 hours to visit my parents in Virginia. On this trip I also got to meet my new nephew Logan.
We visited museums, spent time on the beach, and relaxed.



I also spent some rare time in Florida with both of my sisters, whom I love very much. Now that we all live in different states, getting to spend time together, all three of us, is very difficult. We spent a few days in Orlando at Universal Studios hanging with my niece and nephew by the pool and enjoying everything Universal has to offer (like Harry Potter World!!!)

At the end of July I left Publix (again) and spent the entire month of August not working. It was a good month relaxing and getting ready to start the new school year.

September brought the birth of an amazingly cute baby- Avery Joseph. I love this baby. His mama is pretty awesome too. :-)

Visiting Avery at the hospital

In November I did something I've always wanted to do, but never thought I would: get a tattoo. I am so glad I finally decided to go through with it because I love it so much. You can read about why I chose to get what I did here.

2012 also brought the decision to start Grad school, and to move away from Milledgeville. Both were big decisions and I am confident that these are only the beginnings to bigger and better things that God has for me in 2013. It was a great year, and looking back on everything only reminds me how full my life is of friends, family, love and adventure.

Can't wait to see what 2013 has in store. :-D

Ink'd

So I don't blog very much. Mostly because I don't use eloquent prose and I don't have a "way with words" that make people ooh and ahhh over my writing. That's ok. I'm more of a sketch artist anyways. ;-)

But sometimes there are things I just want to share, that I need to share, regardless of what others might think.

This originally started as a blog about community and why I love where I live and why I feel it's not so bad to drive an hour to work every day, and I threw a bit in about why I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow. Then I found there was so much actually behind the tattoo, that it deserved a blog all it's own. So here goes.

The verse my tattoo is based on is this:

Then He who sat on the throne said, 
“Behold, I make all things new.” 
And He said to me,^[a] 
“Write, for these words are true and faithful.”
Revelation 21:5


First of all the thing that gripped me was that He is making all things new. I know for a fact I need to be made new every day, and I know that in this broken and fallen world the thought of all of the pain and hurt and ugliness being made new fills me with incredible joy and love for my God.

And most of all He made me new.
 Me? Really?
Me.
Broken, lost, sinner. 
He didn't just cover up the ugly parts.
He made me into a completely new creature.

Why?

Love.
Mercy.
Grace.

New. You have to know where you've been, and you have to see how far He's carried you to really feel the weight of that word.


When I was a teenager I felt really lost. I don't think I realized how much at the time, but looking back I didn't know what I was doing with myself. I was very unhappy with who I was, I was angry at my parents, at God, and just didn't see a point in anything. I hung out with people who weren't the best influences and did things I shouldn't have. I searched for happiness and validation in the stupidest things. I was so ready to get out on my own and have my "independence". When I finally moved to Milledgeville my junior year of college, that chance finally came. With my new found freedom I found myself finding more things to get lost in, more reasons to be unhappy, and even more shallow things with which to validate myself.

What I didn't know was that God was orchestrating a wonderful sequence of events that at the time seemed unrelated until I was able to look back and see His fingerprints all over them. Things that led me to Jesus, to wanting to know Him more. To finally realizing that the freedom I desired all along actually came in giving up all my rights to my life completely.

With seeking came finding. With finding came knowing. With knowing came loving.
My desires began to change. My priorities shifted. Things I used to think were important, seemed trivial. My eyes opened up to the world outside of myself. I saw that there's a story that's bigger than just me, MUCH bigger, but He has allowed me to be a part of it. I don't have to follow a list of rules, but I want to do what He wants. His priorities are mine.

It's difficult to understand why He would use me, when I'm so messed up and broken. And the truth of it is that I AM still broken and still messed up. I still deal with most of the same insecurities and issues, but the difference now is I don't do it alone, and I don't stay there. He won't let me. I'm not the person I was before. Every day I'm becoming more new. Not because of me, but because of Jesus. Every great thing I've done or said or thought or imagined has been because of His love, mercy and grace.

To know that I'm not just recycled but actually new is the reason I want the reminder of Revelation 21:5 on me as long as I live.

Joy.

"Happiness is a cheap, cheap substitute for joy". -Matt Chandler

I heard this quote while listening to one of Chandler's sermons one time and it has stuck with me ever since.

Happiness is something we all want to feel and most of us spend our entire lives searching for it. Unfortunately, happiness is a very dependent state of being. It depends on what we have It depends on feelings and circumstances. Our feelings and emotions lie, and circumstances can change in an instant. Anyone who has lived any amount of time knows that the things around us can be taken away in an instant. If we base our happiness on these things, then our happiness is also taken along with them. If this fluctuating happiness is all we have, then the troubles that Jesus promises we will have will undoubtedly consume us.

God calls us to something so much better, so much more fulfilling than happiness.

He freely gives and wants us to attain joy.

Joy is different.
It does not depend on what we have.
It does not depend on what is going on in our lives.
It does not depend on the people around us.

I've been thinking a lot lately on joy, how I would define it.

Joy is being confident that the Creator of the universe, the ocean, pine needles, and fireflies loves me, and nothing can separate me from that love.
Joy is knowing that my sins are taken care of, once and for all.
Joy is knowing that I'm never alone.
Joy is the peace that He who loves me also has complete control of my circumstances.
Joy is the realization that if I'm still breathing, He isn't done with me yet.
Joy is the confidence to approach the Throne of Grace and cast my anxieties upon Him, knowing that He cares about each and every one of them.
Joy is knowing that no matter where I am, He is working all things for my good.

Joy is knowing Christ.

August

In the past few months or so I've gone back and forth with the decision to end my employment with Publix. I left once before to begin teaching and have spent a cumulative 9 years there. They've been good to me and it's been mostly fun, but with my school system going back to 5 days this year I find it hard to justify continuing to work there. So with much prayer and deliberation, I decided to quit. I don't actually have to go back to school until August 28th, so technically I could work another month...but really I haven't had time to just relax and have a real summer. I will kick this off by spending some time with my wonderful sisters, niece and nephew in Florida next weekend. :-)

So, in order to keep myself from becoming bored and idle, I've come up with a list of things I want to do/accomplish over the next month:

1. Read at least 3 books. If I read more, great. At least one is going to be non-fiction, which most likely will be The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler. 

2. Download music, and create a playlist or two. Open to new song suggestions.

3. Organize photos and make some prints. 

4. Pursue my photography and take some pictures somewhere pretty.

5. Begin and maintain a Clean Eating Diet.

6. Start an exercise regimen and find a way to fit it in once school starts. Hopefully the shorter school day will help with this.

7. Purge and organize closets and bedroom.

8. Create, draw, or paint at least one thing a week.

9. Continue with the Read the Bible in 90 Days plan

10. Rest, relax, and watch some T.V.

I'm excited to have some time to reorganize and change some habits and just relax. It will be a great start to this new school year.

Agape

I have two Bible verses that I refer to a lot.

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.
-Zeph 3:17

 For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. 
-Romans 8:38-39

The main thing that stands out to me in these two is Love. Not just any love, but God's love. His intense, perfect love for His children. Love that can not be thwarted or stopped by any power found in Heaven or Earth. Love that quiets and saves. We talk about it all the time in church, we sing about it in worship songs and it gives us warm fuzzy feelings. Bottom line: God loves us.

I get that.

Or do I?

It seems to me that if God's love is as big as He says it is, and I believe in it as I say I do, I should let it do more in me and through me, but for some reason it isn't. The problem is obviously not with God, His love is perfect and unconditional. He reaches to us long before we ever acknowledge Him. He does, however, require us to accept it on our own. I think even once we've accepted Christ we have to believe Him, not just in Him, as well as the power of His love.We instead have the tendency to listen to lies and look to the things of this world to heal and do what His perfect love is intended for.

I've seen this in myself quite a bit lately, and I'm not proud of it.
When I let lies overcome me, I fail to let His love be enough.

His love isn't enough to make me feel worthy.
It isn't enough to fill the empty spaces of lonliness.
It isn't enough to heal my brokenness.
It isn't enough to quiet me.
It isn't enough to cover the guilt of past mistakes and regrets.
It isn't enough to bridge the gap in failed relationships.
It isn't enough to give me hope for a future I can't see.
It isn't enough to bring me contentment in the difficult situations.
It isn't enough to bring me joy when it seems the most impossible.
It isn't enough to rescue me from myself.
It isn't enough when there is nothing else.

It's time to start trusting in the Love that set me free, that died for me, and pursues me daily even when I feel ready to give up on it. 

Bible in 90 Days: Week 1

I am a part of a group of women on Facebook who are reading through the Bible in 90 days this summer. I am very excited about this as I have only read through the entire Bible once. Today marks the end of the first week of reading, and though I'm still a little behind, I decided to go ahead and share my thoughts and the things God has shown me over the past week's reading.
Genesis
God created everything by speaking it into existence. This still blows my mind. He just says and and it just...is. The best part is that he could have spoken man into existence but he wanted our creation to be more intimate, so He created man from dust with his hands. God never actually has to touch anything for it to happen, but I love seeing throughout the Bible (including Jesus in the NT) where He has touched people when He didn't have to, but chooses instead to reinforce the relationship and intimacy He desires with His children. Eve was tempted in the garden by the serpent. She knew she wasn't supposed to touch the fruit but she did because it appealed to her senses in the moment. Like Eve, we want that instant gratification and let that desire rule over what we know is better.
Adam and Eve were ashamed once they sinned. They hid from God. Even though they were in the wrong, God still sought them out in the garden. They could not properly cover their shame/nakedness, only God could properly cover them. Then people became increasingly corrupt on Earth. God was getting ready to send the flood, which is a foreshadowing of baptism. He wanted to end all flesh, which is exactly what he wants to end in us. All the flesh of earth goes in the water and comes up with a new, fresh start. After the flood God establishes a covenant. A new promise. A new beginning.

As I read I was wondering why God said He was physically going to go down to Sodom and Gomorrah, since He obviously already knew what was happening there. I'm wondering if he wanted to give Abraham a chance to plead for them. I am thinking God wanted to leave room for compassion from Abraham.
Lot lived with his daughters in Sodom, and later they do shameful things with their father. I believe this was a result of them living in such a sinful place, they were a product of their environment.
When reading the account of Abraham and Isaac, I can't help but think of the sorrow Abraham must have felt to know he was going to kill his son, and  the fact that the God that he followed and loved was the one who asked him to do it. Nevertheless, he still was willing to do what was asked. That is faith. I'm always going to wonder how awkward the walk home was after that episode.

Exodus
We tend to hate what we fear. The Egyptians saw that the Israelites were getting numerous and they feared them, so they enslaved them. God called Moses to be the one to set them free, and when He tells him what He wants him to do, Moses argues with God that surely there is someone better for the job. He tells God that he isn't so hot at the public speaking. God answers back that it was He who made the mouth, but when Moses insists, I love that God allows Moses to use Aaron to speak for him. (and what faith Aaron must have had to agree to do it!) When the Israelites begin to gripe against Moses because they were made to work harder by the Egyptians, Moses again questions God. I think he expected the deliverance to be instantaneous, and was not waiting on God to bring it about in His own time. I love the picture of grace in the plagues. God gives Pharoah a chance to change his mind each time before releasing a plague on him.

Once the Israelites were in the wilderness, once their leader was gone for a period of time on the mountain, they so quickly turned to other gods. They made a calf out of gold, mostly thanks to Moses' brother Aaron, whom God set aside as a priest. I love that even though Aaron made such a huge mistake, God didn't disqualify him from priesthood. God asked for an offering of gold and silver from the people that were willing to give. He didn't require these offerings to make his tabernacle and other things because everything already belongs to Him. He wanted the people to be a part of what he was doing and I'm guessing people appreciate His work more when they are a part of it. I believe the same is still true today of our giving. 

What's next?

I've been thinking a lot lately about what's next. What's the next step in life that will inevitably take me to where I'm supposed to be? Right now it feels like I'm not really going anywhere, like I'm standing still watching everyone else go by in rapid motion. I've been dwelling on this for some time now, waiting and wishing for something to happen. Well that doesn't really work. I need to be actively seeking God's vision for my life but sometimes things get in the way of me seeing that clearly. God has been revealing these things to me lately, struggles and patterns of disobedience that take my eyes off of Him.

The first thing I struggle with is comparison. I saw a quote recently that said comparison is the thief of joy. I can't tell you how true this had been for me, always comparing myself to everyone around me. Always wanting to please people, wanting them to like me. Wanting to be noticed. Many thoughts run through my mind at any given time.

"She's getting married, why not me?"
"They're doing so much for God, I'm probably not doing anything helpful"
"They're so talented, why would anyone want to use me?"
"They always say the right thing and I'm always just...talking."
"That person is definitely more like able than me."

I know, I KNOW these thoughts are satan's way of keeping my eyes on myself and not on Christ, but it's hard to overcome lies you've believed for so long. Old habits die hard. My worth is not in how I think I measure up to others, but it is solely found in Christ. My head knows this. I'm hoping my heart will soon learn it also.

Another thing He has shown me is that I'm not seeking Him in the present things. The right now. I'm so concerned about where I'm going I've completely lost focus on what He has for me right now. Who I'm becoming now is vital to where I am headed. Tonight only reaffirmed this, that I need to seek Him first and then everything else will fall into place. If I can't be faithful with what I've been given now, how can I be trusted with anything in the future?

Finally I need to willing to go wherever He takes me. The problem with wanting change is that things have to change. I have to keep asking myself if I am willing to be obedient to whatever is next, even if that means being uncomfortable and leaving everything familiar. I do know that I have been called to more than this, more than a life of safety and comfort, of always knowing what's going to happen, of having everything written neatly on a calendar or list.

I have mostly been afraid to ask the question "What's next?" because maybe I'm afraid of what the answer will be. But doing anything less is disobedient. Doing anything less is resigning myself to a life of mediocrity.

I have been called to a life that is anything but mediocre. I serve a God that is magnificent and extraordinary, that can do immeasurably more than all I ask or imagine. All He asks is that I faithfully follow wherever He leads.

Intentional

Here's the deal: I'm spending far too much time doing things that have no real value. I'm browsing social media all the time. It's the first thing I do when I wake up, it's the last thing I do before I go to bed. I'm embarrased to even admit that, but it's the ugly truth. I've even told myself I should be using that time to pray, to read the Bible, but have I done it? Not hardly. I should be spending time in the Word when I get home from work, but do I do it? Nope. I'd rather watch TV.

I pray and ask God for help in so many things. I want to feel less lonely, I want better friendships, I want a better relationship with my parents, I want to feel better about myself, I want want want....and in the past few days He has revealed to me that none of these things will happen until I learn to seek Him. I mean really  seek Him. 10 minutes of passively reading the Bible everyday is not seeking. I'm not putting Him first. I am filling the emptiness and spiritual thirst within me with earthly idols that do not satisfy.

I use the excuse that I'm lonely and have no one at home to talk to, and the internet is my way of connecting. It's a complete lie and completely ridiculous. Yes, I live alone, and yes, it sucks at times. But I know I am never alone, He is always with me, and I am surrounded by wonderful friends who love me, even when I am not so loveable, and I get to interact with people on a daily basis.

I truly want nothing more than to know Him better and see Him do amazing things in my life and in those around me. I know in order for this to happen I need to be intentional about seeking Him and put the things that I am giving my affections to the side and focus my love on the One who loves me furiously and without ceasing. It is my heart's desire to follow Him completely.

That being said, it's time to take a break from social media. For real. I'm deleting the apps from my phone, and only using the internet for work/email etc. I'm limiting my TV time, and I may even take it out as well. I can't expect things to change radically in my life if I'm not willing to take the first steps. I haven't set a time limit on this time off, but I'm looking foward to what God will say to me through this and the changes He will make in my life.

I'm not gonna lie. Today has been hard.
I've been thinking a lot about my life, and where it's going, and if I'm truly following God in all of it. I don't know about you, but I'm in a place where sometimes I just ask "seriously?" I will be 26 this year and all I feel like I'm showing for my life is a week filled with work and an empty apartment to come home to.
This is the part where you're thinking "this girl is such a whiner".

Please understand that I am thankful. Probably not like I should be, but I know, I KNOW I am blessed to have a job, to have friends and family that love me.

So this is where I get stuck. When I start to feel the loneliness creeping in, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because lets be honest. Most of my friends are married and probably dont want to hear about my chronic single life. I know I wouldn't. So usually I just keep my feelings to myself because
I don't want to sound like a complainer. And the truth is I don't. I wish I didn't want to be with people so much. I pray everyday for Jesus to fill all my needs and wants.

I dont know why I let my current status get to me so much. I am only human after all.
I want to surrender everything and just let it go.

I feel like I can never fully express how I truly feel to others, but I do take comfort in the fact that when days are hard like today, I can just lay it all down at the feet of the One who laid His life down for me and knows my heart completely.

2012

2011 was an interesting year. It brought me a new job, new experiences, new friends, and new insights. It was a good year. I like good, but things can always be better. At the close of 2011 I find many areas still in need of improvement, and like most people I find that the start of a new year offers a good place to start making positive changes.

 My goal for this year and beyond is to live intentionally. This means that I will not merely glide through each day just to get to the next, or simply live for the weekend. That attitude is life-wasting and opposite of what God intends for my life. I want to live with a purpose, and that requires both His direction and my willingness to listen, act and follow through. I know there is so much that He has for me, but it requires me to intentionally seek those things and actively pursue them. I also know there is so much more I can be doing for Him, if I would simply be obedient.

My main goals for this year are to improve in the areas of money, health, and spirtitual growth.

I've also made a love list of some things I would like to do this year. It will probably grow and change as time goes on:
1. Learn Spanish & sign language
2. Learn to fly a plane (or at least look into it)
3. Live each day intentionally
4. Be content with what I have in the moment I'm in
5. Be more generous with time, money
6. Read (at least 3 books a month)
7. Purposely read and study the Bible every day.
8. Love ridiculously
9. Travel to a new place
10. Pursue photography
11. Plan more
12. Cook more meals