Ah, family.

I've been starting and restarting this blog all week. I've experienced so many emotions this week and I've never been very good at expressing them. I've been staying with my family for a week now. We've had a lot of good times this week. I would even say the fun times have definitely outweighed the stressful. Saying anything to the contrary wouldn't be fair. That being said, the source of my stress has really been my heartbreak over decisions and actions of another famliy member. Confronting it. Dealing with it. Have I gone about it the right way? Probably not. I think the most heartbreaking part of it all is that I was seeing myself in the whole situation. It is fair to think that I was directing a lot of anger at myself.

I'm human. I definitely make mistakes. I try to fix things. I try to do things the way I think they should be done. In the process I've uncovered some ugly in my heart that only shows that when I'm pointing out flaws in others I'm really pointing a critical finger into a mirror.

 In the midst of this, being away from home, away from my element and the comfort of friends and familiarity, I've been thinking about other things that before I've put in the back of my mind. Things that I tend to not worry about when I'm at home, or at least I don't want to think about. Things that I shouldn't have allowed to affect the other things. There is much hurt in my heart that I pray I can soon let go.

All this being said, there have been moments this week where parts of me have been exposed. Some good, some not so good. Emotions have been building inside all week until tonight when that family member and I found ourselves bawling our eyes out  after a simple trip to Wal-Mart. In the end, I had to tell her that I said things that I didn't mean because I care so deeply about her, and don't want to see her go down a path of destruction. Thoughts were shared, hearts were poured and truths were given. Things got real, and real scares the hell out of me. I don't like to be vulnerable. I was faced with anxiety, and my first reaction is always to flee. Most of the time I think I'm trying to escape myself.

After the raw emotions lay bare and the tears were shed, I think now there is an understanding. I wish I didn't care so much, but I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didn't. I think now I've expressed myself the right way, and I feel peace about it. I need to continue to allow God to work, because He loves her more than I can or ever will, and He seeks her out with a furious longing, just as He sought me and drew me to Himself when I was wandering. I can find rest in that simple fact. I have to remember that it's not people I'm fighting against, but the powers of darkness and Satan himself, and it's him my beef is with.

At the end of it all, I truly have had a good time. Even so, I am ready to go home and after a day of shopping tomorrow I will be ready to pack up my car and head back to Georgia Wednesday morning. I miss Milledgeville.