I've been starting and restarting this blog all week. I've experienced so many emotions this week and I've never been very good at expressing them. I've been staying with my family for a week now. We've had a lot of good times this week. I would even say the fun times have definitely outweighed the stressful. Saying anything to the contrary wouldn't be fair. That being said, the source of my stress has really been my heartbreak over decisions and actions of another famliy member. Confronting it. Dealing with it. Have I gone about it the right way? Probably not. I think the most heartbreaking part of it all is that I was seeing myself in the whole situation. It is fair to think that I was directing a lot of anger at myself.
I'm human. I definitely make mistakes. I try to fix things. I try to do things the way I think they should be done. In the process I've uncovered some ugly in my heart that only shows that when I'm pointing out flaws in others I'm really pointing a critical finger into a mirror.
In the midst of this, being away from home, away from my element and the comfort of friends and familiarity, I've been thinking about other things that before I've put in the back of my mind. Things that I tend to not worry about when I'm at home, or at least I don't want to think about. Things that I shouldn't have allowed to affect the other things. There is much hurt in my heart that I pray I can soon let go.
All this being said, there have been moments this week where parts of me have been exposed. Some good, some not so good. Emotions have been building inside all week until tonight when that family member and I found ourselves bawling our eyes out after a simple trip to Wal-Mart. In the end, I had to tell her that I said things that I didn't mean because I care so deeply about her, and don't want to see her go down a path of destruction. Thoughts were shared, hearts were poured and truths were given. Things got real, and real scares the hell out of me. I don't like to be vulnerable. I was faced with anxiety, and my first reaction is always to flee. Most of the time I think I'm trying to escape myself.
After the raw emotions lay bare and the tears were shed, I think now there is an understanding. I wish I didn't care so much, but I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didn't. I think now I've expressed myself the right way, and I feel peace about it. I need to continue to allow God to work, because He loves her more than I can or ever will, and He seeks her out with a furious longing, just as He sought me and drew me to Himself when I was wandering. I can find rest in that simple fact. I have to remember that it's not people I'm fighting against, but the powers of darkness and Satan himself, and it's him my beef is with.
At the end of it all, I truly have had a good time. Even so, I am ready to go home and after a day of shopping tomorrow I will be ready to pack up my car and head back to Georgia Wednesday morning. I miss Milledgeville.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Vacation!!!
Happiness is all wrapped up in the title. It is vacation time and I have been looking forward to this week off since July 29. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (most of the time) but with any work we like a break. I'm extremely grateful for a job that gives me such breaks, because working retail for 8 years taught me that not everyone has that luxury.
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Oh for Joy
I have been bouncing around a thankfulness blog in my head for the past week or so. I've been allowing myself to slide into this "woe is me" mentality and I just don't like the thought pattern I've adopted as of late. It's entirely ridiculous and completely unfounded. I'm human, I stumble, I don't do things the way I should. I could stop there and use that excuse to justify my attitude, but as a child of the Creator of the Universe I can't really wallow in any sort of self-pity. It's sin. No other word for it.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Motivation
I was on a walk today and a lot of things were rolling around my crazy, unorganized mind. I was thinking a lot about motivation. Why do I want the things I want? Why do I do the things I do?
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
Monday, October 24, 2011
Thoughts
I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.
I have a hard time organzing my thoughts and making sense of them. A lot of the time it looks like something exploded in my mind.
I'll do my best to list some of the things I've been thinking about.
-I feel like I'm in such a wierd place in my life. Such an "In-between" place. Ready for what's next but not really.
-I want so much to not lead a luke-warm spiritual life. I want to follow Jesus with all that I am.
-I am realizing that even though I know Jesus is the only thing that can complete me, I keep wanting and pining for things other than Him. I keep believing the lie that other things are going to make me whole, when I know He's all I need.
-I am terrified of lonliness. It's something I battle, and I'm worried that everyone will eventually leave. It seems silly when I say it out loud.
-I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I even want to grow up.
-I'm ready for a little romance. It's been far too long since I've had a real date. Does wonders for the self-esteem.
-I want to enjoy life more. Not that I don't now, but I think sometimes I take things for granted.
-I love to travel so much. I can't wait to drive up to Virginia this December and see all the sights. I'm excited about seeing my family too. I haven't seen my mom and sister since the beginning of June. I've never gone this long without seeing them and I miss them very much.
-I need to pray more. I need to believe God more.
-I want to find more happies in my every day.
-I want to love more. I hope people know how much I do love them.
-I am thankful for my friends. Truly. I hope they all know how much.
-I love the cold weather. It coupled with Christmas music makes me deliriously happy.
-Want to work on becoming more organized.
-Pumpkin really makes me happy. In all it's glorious forms.
God has shown me so much the past couple of years. He has revealed so many things to me about life, relationships and myself that are such solid Truths that I can't imagine how I did life without Him before. His grace is so evident in my life even before I came to know Him.
All I need to do is seek Him in all I do, and I know everything else will fall into place. It's just a matter of making all this head-knowledge become heart-knowledge.
I have a hard time organzing my thoughts and making sense of them. A lot of the time it looks like something exploded in my mind.
I'll do my best to list some of the things I've been thinking about.
-I feel like I'm in such a wierd place in my life. Such an "In-between" place. Ready for what's next but not really.
-I want so much to not lead a luke-warm spiritual life. I want to follow Jesus with all that I am.
-I am realizing that even though I know Jesus is the only thing that can complete me, I keep wanting and pining for things other than Him. I keep believing the lie that other things are going to make me whole, when I know He's all I need.
-I am terrified of lonliness. It's something I battle, and I'm worried that everyone will eventually leave. It seems silly when I say it out loud.
-I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I even want to grow up.
-I'm ready for a little romance. It's been far too long since I've had a real date. Does wonders for the self-esteem.
-I want to enjoy life more. Not that I don't now, but I think sometimes I take things for granted.
-I love to travel so much. I can't wait to drive up to Virginia this December and see all the sights. I'm excited about seeing my family too. I haven't seen my mom and sister since the beginning of June. I've never gone this long without seeing them and I miss them very much.
-I need to pray more. I need to believe God more.
-I want to find more happies in my every day.
-I want to love more. I hope people know how much I do love them.
-I am thankful for my friends. Truly. I hope they all know how much.
-I love the cold weather. It coupled with Christmas music makes me deliriously happy.
-Want to work on becoming more organized.
-Pumpkin really makes me happy. In all it's glorious forms.
God has shown me so much the past couple of years. He has revealed so many things to me about life, relationships and myself that are such solid Truths that I can't imagine how I did life without Him before. His grace is so evident in my life even before I came to know Him.
All I need to do is seek Him in all I do, and I know everything else will fall into place. It's just a matter of making all this head-knowledge become heart-knowledge.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The weight
Today was hard. The weight of the week has been pressing hard on me and I'm trying hard to just keep my head above water. I've been struggling with trying to remember important things and staying organized in both my personal and work life. It feels like there's just not enough time to do what I need to do yet the demands stay the same.
This year is new to me. I just haven't quite figured out how to do things right, and having multiple-grade levels in one class has been exceedingly challenging for me. I feel like I've been doing my best and actually felt like I was doing a decent job. My principal called me in today to tell me how I was doing and her review wasn't exactly satisfactory. I realize it is her job to give me feedback and provide me with constructive criticism, it's part of professional growth, but for some reason it hit me especially hard because I just feel like I've been trying so hard and then I learn I'm not really doing that great of a job. It's very discouraging and disappointing. I just want to be a good teacher. I think the fact that I've been tired and overwhelmed and frustrated all week hasn't helped with the way I've reacted to it today.
I'm not complaining, it just helps to get out my frustrations sometimes. These are the times during the week where I absolutely hate this empty apartment.
I think it's just been an overly emotional day for me and I just need to take a deep breath and thank Abba for all His blessings and let His love quiet me.
This year is new to me. I just haven't quite figured out how to do things right, and having multiple-grade levels in one class has been exceedingly challenging for me. I feel like I've been doing my best and actually felt like I was doing a decent job. My principal called me in today to tell me how I was doing and her review wasn't exactly satisfactory. I realize it is her job to give me feedback and provide me with constructive criticism, it's part of professional growth, but for some reason it hit me especially hard because I just feel like I've been trying so hard and then I learn I'm not really doing that great of a job. It's very discouraging and disappointing. I just want to be a good teacher. I think the fact that I've been tired and overwhelmed and frustrated all week hasn't helped with the way I've reacted to it today.
I'm not complaining, it just helps to get out my frustrations sometimes. These are the times during the week where I absolutely hate this empty apartment.
I think it's just been an overly emotional day for me and I just need to take a deep breath and thank Abba for all His blessings and let His love quiet me.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
I ask You to help and You come
My ever-present help
I beg You to heal and You do
You heal all my wounds
I beg forgiveness and mercy You give
Endless flowing mercy and grace
I cry out in the darkest hour and don't see
But You're there holding me close
Though my faith runs and hides
You never change
Hold me forever in Your everlasting embrace
Let me see
Let me see Your face
Such grace
I can't take such Beauty
The Majesty, the glory of it all
I fall down on my face and worship
This. This is love, flowing freely
I've found love in this place
My ever-present help
I beg You to heal and You do
You heal all my wounds
I beg forgiveness and mercy You give
Endless flowing mercy and grace
I cry out in the darkest hour and don't see
But You're there holding me close
Though my faith runs and hides
You never change
Hold me forever in Your everlasting embrace
Let me see
Let me see Your face
Such grace
I can't take such Beauty
The Majesty, the glory of it all
I fall down on my face and worship
This. This is love, flowing freely
I've found love in this place
Sunday, September 11, 2011
One of those days.
Today has been one of those days. One of those days where everything just seems off. One of those days where those old familiar demons start whispering the same lies into your ear. The lies start playing like a record over and over in your brain until you start believing them.
The two that get me the most are the "you're not good enough" and "you're alone". They were nipping at my heels hard today.
It's days like this I have to hold tight to the promises that God gives me in His word, that He never leaves me or forsakes me. That I am worthy because He says I am. I am worth dying for.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present
nor the future, nor any powers, neither height
nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will
be able to separate us from the love of God that
is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39
The two that get me the most are the "you're not good enough" and "you're alone". They were nipping at my heels hard today.
It's days like this I have to hold tight to the promises that God gives me in His word, that He never leaves me or forsakes me. That I am worthy because He says I am. I am worth dying for.
"For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present
nor the future, nor any powers, neither height
nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will
be able to separate us from the love of God that
is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
2011 Plan of Action check-in
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
2011 Plan of Action...sort of
I wrote this plan of action, or in other words the things I wanted to accomplish this year, back in January. Since it is August now, I have been thinking about a lot of these things lately and have decided to re-visit them and see how much I've accomplished, with about 4 1/2 months left in the year.
1. Read through the Bible again exclusively using The Message.
I am so working on this. I decided early on not to exclusively use the Message, because I still enjoy reading the NIV for study. I still use The Message as a parallel quite often because it does help me understand it. I haven't been as consistent as I like with my time in the Word, but I am trying.
2. Live and work only to please God and not worry about what people think. I guess this is my "theme" for the year stemming from several Bible verses and conversations with God.
It's hard to gage where I am with this one. I think I have come to a point where I don't really care that much what others think about me. A lot of that has been God working on me and my self-esteem. I feel I've come a long way. I always hope that what I do is pleasing to Him, but I know being human it doesn't happen as much as it should.
3. Believe in myself enough to go for the things I want.
This one I'm still working on....
4. Be happily teaching SOMEWHERE.
I love the school I work at, and my new position as a resource teacher. Definitely accomplished this one.
5. Get my finances back in order and make smarter financial decisions. Be more thankful for what I do have and more generous with what I've been given.
I've been budgeting and trying not to spend more than I need. I began sponsoring a child from Bangladesh back in April, and hope to buy a water filter through them very soon. (Probably more than one).
6. Pay off ONE of my debts. At least.
I paid off TWO debts back in February. :-)
7. Deepen old and new friendships.
I think this has definitely happened, but I think it's mostly just because of time. Which works too.
8. Allow myself to become more transparent and not hold everything in.
Eh...
9. Be increasingly able to find JOY in the small things and the big things.
Working on my 1,000 Gifts list (Ann Voskamp's book), making sure I write some down everyday. Making sure I thank God for everything.
10. Acquire a roommate (I hate living alone!). I'm an extrovert for crying out loud!
Kacey will be here tomorrow! :-D
11. Get a phone that doesn't look like it barely survived a nuclear war.
Got my iPhone back in April and love it!
12. Exercise regularly. Run.
I was doing pretty well with this but then it got so HOT and my schedule got so crazy....I really am going to start back when it starts to cool down a bit.
13. Eat more fruit.
I've been eating a lot of smoothies and buying fresh fruit.
14. Learn how to cook better and do more of it.
Progress, progress.
15. Go on another roadtrip (preferrably to Montana or out west). They do my heart a whole world of good.
This may have to wait until 2012.
16. Care more about others, become increasingly less self-centered.
An ongoing effort.
17. Read a bunch of books.
I've been struggling a lot lately with reading and I don't know why. I used to read tons of books all the time. Makes me kind of sad.
18. Blog at times
Even have a blog for positive-ness.
19. Treat myself to shopping once in a while. It's good for a girl's soul.
Every once in a while, if I can. I do buy myself a season of Friends every payday.
20. Devote more time to drawing/painting etc.
I have been painting more and am working on a sketch. It will be the second I've done this year.
21. Print some pictures!! It's been a year and a half since NYC/DC/Boston. Still no prints.
I did!
Looking back, I think I accomplished a lot of things already.
The special educator in me wants to analyze my progress, check for mastery of goals, and set new ones.
We'll see.
Sunday, June 12, 2011
What's next?
Life is full of milestones. We as individuals are always looking ahead to that next big step in life: high school graduation, college graduation, beginning a career,marriage, having children, retirement, etc. For most, after college begins a chain reaction of weddings, babies, buying houses and all the stuff that goes with that. I, on the other hand, have spent the past two years feeling "behind". I have attended numerous wedding showers, weddings, baby showers, and can't help thinking "when is it my turn?"
In the midst of all my self-pity and whining, God again proves faithful by not leaving me where I am. First He reminds me that I should never compare my life to other people's, no matter what. Then He reminds me that life is not about any of that stuff. Yes, it is all wonderful and is natural to be desired and pursued. He created families, and He created marriage, but not for mine or anyone else's fulfillment. It is all a symbol of His love for us. Everything is about Him.
"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry aboutH missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matt 6:33 (MSG)
In everything I must seek Him first.
Also He reminded me of not worrying about my current place in life. He is in control and has me right where He wants me. I need only worry about doing His will for my life.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 (MSG)
All in all, I know that no matter where I am, I know I'm exactly where I need to be as long as I am geninely seeking Him and desiring to follow Him wherever He leads.
In the midst of all my self-pity and whining, God again proves faithful by not leaving me where I am. First He reminds me that I should never compare my life to other people's, no matter what. Then He reminds me that life is not about any of that stuff. Yes, it is all wonderful and is natural to be desired and pursued. He created families, and He created marriage, but not for mine or anyone else's fulfillment. It is all a symbol of His love for us. Everything is about Him.
"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry aboutH missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matt 6:33 (MSG)
In everything I must seek Him first.
Also He reminded me of not worrying about my current place in life. He is in control and has me right where He wants me. I need only worry about doing His will for my life.
"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 (MSG)
All in all, I know that no matter where I am, I know I'm exactly where I need to be as long as I am geninely seeking Him and desiring to follow Him wherever He leads.
Sunday, May 15, 2011
Silly fear
I think one of my biggest fears is that the people I love and cherish the most don't love and cherish me as much as I do them. Also there is the fear of losing that person's love and friendship by something I do or say. It's silly and juvenile to think these things, but I admit I do. It's all insecurity of course, but then I'm reminded of the rock-solid security I have in Christ's love for me. He not only says it over and over in His Word and blessings in my life, but He showed it once and for all on the Cross. As for the fear of not being as loved and treasured, it gives a small picture of how God must feel when He loves us so much but we only give Him part of ourselves or none at all. His want for us is righteous and holy unlike my fear, but it makes me want to examine my relationship with Him and make it right, because without that solid Foundation there will be no peace in my earthly relationships.
Sunday, March 13, 2011
I've read through the entire Bible. It took me over two years, but I did it. Not many people can say that.
Trouble is, I spent a lot of my reading just trying to finish, not for transformation or wisdom.
I am reading through again, using a different plan. I plan on reading and re-reading through the Bible as long as God lets me. This time around, I am really really trying to soak in what I read. I have been praying over what I read, asking God to show me things that I haven't seen before. I can already tell that this time around is different.
Here are some things God has been showing me this past week through His Word, sermons, and books I've been reading:
1. In Ann Voskamp's book 1,000 Gifts, she basically says that the root of the Fall was ingratitude. That Adam and Eve had everything they needed, food, full communion with God, comfort, basically paradise. Except there is always a desire for more. Eve had everything but that fruit. It's what we can't have. It's the discontent with what we do have. Always desiring something else leaves the soul searching because it's not satisfying itself with the only One who can.
2. That desire left unfilled by God opens doors for sin. In the garden, the serpent distort God's Word to justify to Eve why she should eat of the fruit she knew she was commanded not to. I know I do that. Justify in my head why I can or can't do something, even to the point of distorting the Word.
3. I read in Genesis this week in chapter 4. It's the story of Cain and Abel. Usually I just breeze right on over these stories, but God showed me things I hadn't seen before. I saw Cain's pattern of sin grow. I saw how he started out with disobedience to God by not giving Him the best fruits of the soil, then jealousy because he was not receiving favor. Then the jealousy led to murder, lying, and self-seeking wallowing. The result of all this was alienation from God. (the fact that God let him live just demonstrates His great mercy!)
After reading over it I saw disobedience=alienation from God. Therefore sin=separation from God. Now I knew this, but I never saw it so plainly illustrated in the story of Cain and Abel. And I thought it was so awesome for God to show me something new in something I'd read a dozen times.
This passage jumped out at me, God speaking to Cain:
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." Gen 4:7
4. Another thing that God has been speaking to me is about the Holy Spirit. I admit He wasn't talked about too much in the church I grew up in. It was discussed in our Wednesday night class at church, then of course so our Sunday church is talking about the same thing. It just really reinforced the being filled with the Spirit and emptying out all the sin and to be obedient.
All these things, obedience, gratitude, being Filled, being in the Word, praying...they really help us see with new eyes..with His eyes.
Reading is simply not enough. Anyone can do that. Satan knows the Word better than I do. It's applying and obeying and letting it transform us that counts. And it's also the faith in the God who wrote it: that He is good all the time, that He does not change, that He does work all things for good for those who love Him, and that He does keep His promises.
"For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous". -Romans 2:13
Trouble is, I spent a lot of my reading just trying to finish, not for transformation or wisdom.
I am reading through again, using a different plan. I plan on reading and re-reading through the Bible as long as God lets me. This time around, I am really really trying to soak in what I read. I have been praying over what I read, asking God to show me things that I haven't seen before. I can already tell that this time around is different.
Here are some things God has been showing me this past week through His Word, sermons, and books I've been reading:
1. In Ann Voskamp's book 1,000 Gifts, she basically says that the root of the Fall was ingratitude. That Adam and Eve had everything they needed, food, full communion with God, comfort, basically paradise. Except there is always a desire for more. Eve had everything but that fruit. It's what we can't have. It's the discontent with what we do have. Always desiring something else leaves the soul searching because it's not satisfying itself with the only One who can.
2. That desire left unfilled by God opens doors for sin. In the garden, the serpent distort God's Word to justify to Eve why she should eat of the fruit she knew she was commanded not to. I know I do that. Justify in my head why I can or can't do something, even to the point of distorting the Word.
3. I read in Genesis this week in chapter 4. It's the story of Cain and Abel. Usually I just breeze right on over these stories, but God showed me things I hadn't seen before. I saw Cain's pattern of sin grow. I saw how he started out with disobedience to God by not giving Him the best fruits of the soil, then jealousy because he was not receiving favor. Then the jealousy led to murder, lying, and self-seeking wallowing. The result of all this was alienation from God. (the fact that God let him live just demonstrates His great mercy!)
After reading over it I saw disobedience=alienation from God. Therefore sin=separation from God. Now I knew this, but I never saw it so plainly illustrated in the story of Cain and Abel. And I thought it was so awesome for God to show me something new in something I'd read a dozen times.
This passage jumped out at me, God speaking to Cain:
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." Gen 4:7
4. Another thing that God has been speaking to me is about the Holy Spirit. I admit He wasn't talked about too much in the church I grew up in. It was discussed in our Wednesday night class at church, then of course so our Sunday church is talking about the same thing. It just really reinforced the being filled with the Spirit and emptying out all the sin and to be obedient.
All these things, obedience, gratitude, being Filled, being in the Word, praying...they really help us see with new eyes..with His eyes.
Reading is simply not enough. Anyone can do that. Satan knows the Word better than I do. It's applying and obeying and letting it transform us that counts. And it's also the faith in the God who wrote it: that He is good all the time, that He does not change, that He does work all things for good for those who love Him, and that He does keep His promises.
"For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous". -Romans 2:13
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
Gifts.
This is one of my favorite things in all of God's creation. Sure, I love mountains. I love the ocean. But the sky. The sky is always changing. It's always new. It's always beautiful. It's also a daily reminder for me: This is a new day. I don't deserve it. It's certainly not owed to me. It is a gift. All gifts require a giver, and the giver of this day, all days, is a richly rewarding Father who delights in giving His children gifts.
I've been reading One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. I learned about it through a friend and started reading it last week.
Oh. My.
Besides being an incredibly talented writer, she gets it. I mean really gets it. It is the story of her journey and how she learned to see God more through giving thanks in everything. Seeing the miracle of everyday life through simple gratitude. She began a list of 1,000 things that she saw as a gift, and how through purposely trying to see the beauty and wonder in every moment, we can slow time and see Him more and more.
Needless to say, it's been messing me up. In a good way. I've started my list. I'm going to be thankful in everything. At least...I'm going to try. I know I'm going to fail. My stubborn, foolish, prideful, ungrateful self is going to get in the way. That's a given. I just need to recognize that all that was crucified with Christ, and He is making me new everyday. I can't rely on my own strength.
New mercies. Pink and purple skies scream Mercy. The glory of Him is painted across the morning sky and I know He is there.
I think the heaviest thing I've read so far in her book, basically is when she said (and I'm paraphrasing) "He doesn't owe us anything. We owe Him everything. After all, He might not have done it."
He may have not chosen to save us. He didn't have to. But He did.
We need not receive a single gift from His hand to be utterly in His debt and give Him ceaseless praise until we take our last breath. The One sacrifice made on Calvary was enough. IS enough. He is always enough. Yet still He gives. And blesses and gives.
This is what He has been showing me, the art of gratitude, of living, of seeing Him in everything because
"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Col 1:17
Saturday, January 1, 2011
2011 Plan of Action...sort of
I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to accomplish this year and thought it would be a good idea to have some sort of plan of action to work towards achieving these goals. So..this is basically a repeat of a previous blog, but an expanded version.
1. Read through the Bible again exclusively using The Message.
I have picked the historical reading plan and already have January mapped out. I think I am really going to enjoy reading through the Bible again..and again.. :-) There is nothing like uncovering the character of our God, and it's awesome that He's made it so available to us.
2. Live and work only to please God and not worry about what people think. I guess this is my "theme" for the year stemming from several Bible verses and conversations with God.
This one is tough. There is really no "plan" for this one except lots of prayer. And more prayer. T
This is definitely not just a year plan, but one that is probably going to take my whole life to work on.
3. Believe in myself enough to go for the things I want.
Again. Prayer. :)
And a little effort on my part will probably help.
4. Be happily teaching SOMEWHERE.
Start my new job this week! :)
5. Get my finances back in order and make smarter financial decisions. Be more thankful for what I do have and more generous with what I've been given.
I am hoping my new job will help with this. I will also continue working at Publix part time and plan to save 100% of what I make there. I want to spend less and generally just be SMARTER about it.
6. Pay off ONE of my debts. At least.
Perhaps I'll start with one of the smaller ones...
7. Deepen old and new friendships.
This is going to take a lot of effort on my part. I just need to spend more time with those that matter.
8. Allow myself to become more transparent and not hold everything in.
Wow. Prayer is coming in a lot in this list...
9. Be increasingly able to find JOY in the small things and the big things.
Knowing always that my joy is found in God alone and nothing on this earth will ever EVER satisfy.
10. Acquire a roommate (I hate living alone!). I'm an extrovert for crying out loud!
Living alone isn't all bad...but having a roomie would be a bonus.
11. Get a phone that doesn't look like it barely survived a nuclear war.
I have an upgrade in June, so birthday present to myself will be a new phone!!
12. Exercise regularly. Run.
I want to schedule times throughout the week to run/exercise and stick to it. This has to happen.
13. Eat more fruit.
To accomplish this, I need to make more money.
I mean, fresh fruit is expensive!! But it is so good.
14. Learn how to cook better and do more of it.
I guess the best way to learn is to do more of it.
15. Go on another roadtrip (preferrably to Montana or out west). They do my heart a whole world of good.
Hopefully the saving of money will help towards this goal. I love traveling more than anything on this earth.
16. Care more about others, become increasingly less self-centered.
Yep. Praying. And effort. It's so easy for us to be so involved in ourselves, sadly.
17. Read a bunch of books.
This will mainly occur during the summer months.
18. Blog at times
I think I am actually going to start a blog about my teaching experience...we'll see. That will be coming soon.
19. Treat myself to shopping once in a while. It's good for a girl's soul.
20. Devote more time to drawing/painting etc.
I just need to set aside some time to relax and do some art. At least twice a month.
21. Print some pictures!! It's been a year and a half since NYC/DC/Boston. Still no prints.
Get my butt to Walgreen's.
1. Read through the Bible again exclusively using The Message.
I have picked the historical reading plan and already have January mapped out. I think I am really going to enjoy reading through the Bible again..and again.. :-) There is nothing like uncovering the character of our God, and it's awesome that He's made it so available to us.
2. Live and work only to please God and not worry about what people think. I guess this is my "theme" for the year stemming from several Bible verses and conversations with God.
This one is tough. There is really no "plan" for this one except lots of prayer. And more prayer. T
This is definitely not just a year plan, but one that is probably going to take my whole life to work on.
3. Believe in myself enough to go for the things I want.
Again. Prayer. :)
And a little effort on my part will probably help.
4. Be happily teaching SOMEWHERE.
Start my new job this week! :)
5. Get my finances back in order and make smarter financial decisions. Be more thankful for what I do have and more generous with what I've been given.
I am hoping my new job will help with this. I will also continue working at Publix part time and plan to save 100% of what I make there. I want to spend less and generally just be SMARTER about it.
6. Pay off ONE of my debts. At least.
Perhaps I'll start with one of the smaller ones...
7. Deepen old and new friendships.
This is going to take a lot of effort on my part. I just need to spend more time with those that matter.
8. Allow myself to become more transparent and not hold everything in.
Wow. Prayer is coming in a lot in this list...
9. Be increasingly able to find JOY in the small things and the big things.
Knowing always that my joy is found in God alone and nothing on this earth will ever EVER satisfy.
10. Acquire a roommate (I hate living alone!). I'm an extrovert for crying out loud!
Living alone isn't all bad...but having a roomie would be a bonus.
11. Get a phone that doesn't look like it barely survived a nuclear war.
I have an upgrade in June, so birthday present to myself will be a new phone!!
12. Exercise regularly. Run.
I want to schedule times throughout the week to run/exercise and stick to it. This has to happen.
13. Eat more fruit.
To accomplish this, I need to make more money.
I mean, fresh fruit is expensive!! But it is so good.
14. Learn how to cook better and do more of it.
I guess the best way to learn is to do more of it.
15. Go on another roadtrip (preferrably to Montana or out west). They do my heart a whole world of good.
Hopefully the saving of money will help towards this goal. I love traveling more than anything on this earth.
16. Care more about others, become increasingly less self-centered.
Yep. Praying. And effort. It's so easy for us to be so involved in ourselves, sadly.
17. Read a bunch of books.
This will mainly occur during the summer months.
18. Blog at times
I think I am actually going to start a blog about my teaching experience...we'll see. That will be coming soon.
19. Treat myself to shopping once in a while. It's good for a girl's soul.
20. Devote more time to drawing/painting etc.
I just need to set aside some time to relax and do some art. At least twice a month.
21. Print some pictures!! It's been a year and a half since NYC/DC/Boston. Still no prints.
Get my butt to Walgreen's.
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