Motivation

I was on a walk today and a lot of things were rolling around my crazy, unorganized mind. I was thinking a lot about motivation. Why do I want the things I want? Why do I do the things I do?

It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.

I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.

The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.

When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.

We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.

Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.