Intentional

Here's the deal: I'm spending far too much time doing things that have no real value. I'm browsing social media all the time. It's the first thing I do when I wake up, it's the last thing I do before I go to bed. I'm embarrased to even admit that, but it's the ugly truth. I've even told myself I should be using that time to pray, to read the Bible, but have I done it? Not hardly. I should be spending time in the Word when I get home from work, but do I do it? Nope. I'd rather watch TV.

I pray and ask God for help in so many things. I want to feel less lonely, I want better friendships, I want a better relationship with my parents, I want to feel better about myself, I want want want....and in the past few days He has revealed to me that none of these things will happen until I learn to seek Him. I mean really  seek Him. 10 minutes of passively reading the Bible everyday is not seeking. I'm not putting Him first. I am filling the emptiness and spiritual thirst within me with earthly idols that do not satisfy.

I use the excuse that I'm lonely and have no one at home to talk to, and the internet is my way of connecting. It's a complete lie and completely ridiculous. Yes, I live alone, and yes, it sucks at times. But I know I am never alone, He is always with me, and I am surrounded by wonderful friends who love me, even when I am not so loveable, and I get to interact with people on a daily basis.

I truly want nothing more than to know Him better and see Him do amazing things in my life and in those around me. I know in order for this to happen I need to be intentional about seeking Him and put the things that I am giving my affections to the side and focus my love on the One who loves me furiously and without ceasing. It is my heart's desire to follow Him completely.

That being said, it's time to take a break from social media. For real. I'm deleting the apps from my phone, and only using the internet for work/email etc. I'm limiting my TV time, and I may even take it out as well. I can't expect things to change radically in my life if I'm not willing to take the first steps. I haven't set a time limit on this time off, but I'm looking foward to what God will say to me through this and the changes He will make in my life.

I'm not gonna lie. Today has been hard.
I've been thinking a lot about my life, and where it's going, and if I'm truly following God in all of it. I don't know about you, but I'm in a place where sometimes I just ask "seriously?" I will be 26 this year and all I feel like I'm showing for my life is a week filled with work and an empty apartment to come home to.
This is the part where you're thinking "this girl is such a whiner".

Please understand that I am thankful. Probably not like I should be, but I know, I KNOW I am blessed to have a job, to have friends and family that love me.

So this is where I get stuck. When I start to feel the loneliness creeping in, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because lets be honest. Most of my friends are married and probably dont want to hear about my chronic single life. I know I wouldn't. So usually I just keep my feelings to myself because
I don't want to sound like a complainer. And the truth is I don't. I wish I didn't want to be with people so much. I pray everyday for Jesus to fill all my needs and wants.

I dont know why I let my current status get to me so much. I am only human after all.
I want to surrender everything and just let it go.

I feel like I can never fully express how I truly feel to others, but I do take comfort in the fact that when days are hard like today, I can just lay it all down at the feet of the One who laid His life down for me and knows my heart completely.

2012

2011 was an interesting year. It brought me a new job, new experiences, new friends, and new insights. It was a good year. I like good, but things can always be better. At the close of 2011 I find many areas still in need of improvement, and like most people I find that the start of a new year offers a good place to start making positive changes.

 My goal for this year and beyond is to live intentionally. This means that I will not merely glide through each day just to get to the next, or simply live for the weekend. That attitude is life-wasting and opposite of what God intends for my life. I want to live with a purpose, and that requires both His direction and my willingness to listen, act and follow through. I know there is so much that He has for me, but it requires me to intentionally seek those things and actively pursue them. I also know there is so much more I can be doing for Him, if I would simply be obedient.

My main goals for this year are to improve in the areas of money, health, and spirtitual growth.

I've also made a love list of some things I would like to do this year. It will probably grow and change as time goes on:
1. Learn Spanish & sign language
2. Learn to fly a plane (or at least look into it)
3. Live each day intentionally
4. Be content with what I have in the moment I'm in
5. Be more generous with time, money
6. Read (at least 3 books a month)
7. Purposely read and study the Bible every day.
8. Love ridiculously
9. Travel to a new place
10. Pursue photography
11. Plan more
12. Cook more meals