I am restless, until I rest in You

Restless.

This one word can easily describe how I've felt the past year or so.

I guess after college there came about a certain pressure to "fit in" somewhere or "be" at a certain place in life (and maybe I put that pressure on myself) but I never felt like I did. I still don't. I spent a long time lamenting this fact. Lamenting the fact that I am not married. Lamenting the fact that I don't have children. Yet, all my friends do. I felt left out. I felt like all my friends connected so much better with each other because they were moms and wives and shared the same struggles. I felt like I was standing still while everyone else sped on by me, going on with their lives.

And here I am. Still standing there, wondering what's next. When will it be my turn?

Yet lately my thought processes have changed while my circumstances haven't. I've been thinking that all those things are not the end-all be-all of existence. I have a job, family and friends that I love and love me, yet I can't help thinking "Is this it?" The more I've questioned and pleaded with God to tell me "why", the more He's revealing to me that maybe my circumstances haven't changed because I'm meant to do something...here.

Now.
Where. I. Am.

Perhaps I'm not tied down because I'm supposed to go do something that requires my freedom. Who am I to ask "why?" when I should be asking "where?" and "what?". This restlessness inside of me could simply be the life I'm supposed to live trying to get out, but I've been too busy lamenting the fact that I'm not living someone else's.

Instead of asking "When is it my turn?" I've decided that maybe I'm in the wrong line altogether. I need to follow His plans, because they are infinitely better than mine can ever hope to be. They are also scary as hell, but I can't let fear keep me from living my life. God doesn't stir up our souls for us to sit idly by and let others do the work.

So now as I consider and pray about what is the next step in my life, I ask that you would pray also. Pray for clarity, and for God to satisfy this restlessness that I have for something bigger than myself.

Love.

If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.

Love never gives up.
Love cares more for others than for self.
Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have.
Love doesn’t strut,
Doesn’t have a swelled head,
Doesn’t force itself on others,
Isn’t always “me first,”
Doesn’t fly off the handle,
Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others,
Doesn’t revel when others grovel,
Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth,
Puts up with anything,
Trusts God always,
Always looks for the best,
Never looks back,
But keeps going to the end.

Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.

-1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message)

We often think of weddings or cheesy Nicholas Sparks movies when we read this verse. We love love. We love how it makes us feel. We love watching people fall in love. We certainly love reading about it and watching it unfold in overly emotional movies.

What God is saying in this verse is a message that goes far beyond the love between a man and a woman. It speaks of Love that is stronger than the grave. Love that covers a multitude of sins. Love that conquers.

As this year has begun to unfold, God has been revealing to me just how much my life is lacking love.When I read this verse I see a list of fruit. If I'm loving I'm not jealous of what someone else has. If I'm loving I'm not bragging. If I'm loving I'm thinking about someone else's feelings before my own. One thing I know about God is that when I'm truly seeking Him he will begin to show me where I'm falling short. It's not fun but it's a vital part of spiritual growth. When I honestly take a look at myself I see that I'm wanting things that others have, that I'm bringing up wrongs others have done, I'm not being patient, I'm thinking of my own comfort and convenience instead of what's best for someone else, I'm picking out other's faults (while amazingly ignoring ALL of mine) instead of focusing on the good, I'm stirring up problems instead of seeking peace, I'm choosing drama instead of humility....the list goes on. When I compare myself to this list, when I hold myself to this standard, I fall shamefully short. No matter what "good" I do, without love it's all pointless.

This year I want to focus on loving lavishly and without reservation.
This year (today!) I resolve to choose love.
I choose to be happy for others.
I choose to be patient.
I choose to intentionally encourage others.
I choose to focus on the good in people, not on their faults.
I choose to forgive.
I choose to out-love those who love me. And those who don't.
I choose to love even when I don't feel loved.
I choose to be kind. Even when I don't feel like it.
I choose to be generous.
I choose to love myself, even when it's hard.
I choose to love. Completely.
Because He loved me first.