Motivation

I was on a walk today and a lot of things were rolling around my crazy, unorganized mind. I was thinking a lot about motivation. Why do I want the things I want? Why do I do the things I do?

It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.

I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.

The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.

When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.

We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.

Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.

Thoughts

I've been doing a lot of thinking lately.

I have a hard time organzing my thoughts and making sense of them. A lot of the time it looks like something exploded in my mind.

I'll do my best to list some of the things I've been thinking about.

-I feel like I'm in such a wierd place in my life. Such an "In-between" place. Ready for what's next but not really.
-I want so much to not lead a luke-warm spiritual life. I want to follow Jesus with all that I am.
-I am realizing that even though I know Jesus is the only thing that can complete me, I keep wanting and pining for things other than Him. I keep believing the lie that other things are going to make me whole, when I know He's all I need.
-I am terrified of lonliness. It's something I battle, and I'm worried that everyone will eventually leave. It seems silly when I say it out loud.
-I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm not sure I even want to grow up.
-I'm ready for a little romance. It's been far too long since I've had a real date. Does wonders for the self-esteem.
-I want to enjoy life more. Not that I don't now, but I think sometimes I take things for granted.
-I love to travel so much. I can't wait to drive up to Virginia this December and see all the sights. I'm excited about seeing my family too. I haven't seen my mom and sister since the beginning of June. I've never gone this long without seeing them and I miss them very much.
-I need to pray more. I need to believe God more.
-I want to find more happies in my every day.
-I want to love more. I hope people know how much I do love them.
-I am thankful for my friends. Truly. I hope they all know how much.
-I love the cold weather. It coupled with Christmas music makes me deliriously happy.
-Want to work on becoming more organized.
-Pumpkin really makes me happy. In all it's glorious forms.

God has shown me so much the past couple of years. He has revealed so many things to me about life, relationships and myself that are such solid Truths that I can't imagine how I did life without Him before. His grace is so evident in my life even before I came to know Him.

All I need to do is seek Him in all I do, and I know everything else will fall into place. It's just a matter of making all this head-knowledge become heart-knowledge.

The weight

Today was hard. The weight of the week has been pressing hard on me and I'm trying hard to just keep my head above water. I've been struggling with trying to remember important things and staying organized in both my personal and work life. It feels like there's just not enough time to do what I need to do yet the demands stay the same.

This year is new to me. I just haven't quite figured out how to do things right, and having multiple-grade levels in one class has been exceedingly challenging for me. I feel like I've been doing my best and actually felt like I was doing a decent job. My principal called me in today to tell me how I was doing and her review wasn't exactly satisfactory. I realize it is her job to give me feedback and provide me with constructive criticism, it's part of professional growth, but for some reason it hit me especially hard because I just feel like I've been trying so hard and then I learn I'm not really doing that great of a job. It's very discouraging and disappointing. I just want to be a good teacher. I think the fact that I've been tired and overwhelmed and frustrated all week hasn't helped with the way I've reacted to it today.

I'm not complaining, it just helps to get out my frustrations sometimes. These are the times during the week where I absolutely hate this empty apartment.

I think it's just been an overly emotional day for me and I just need to take a deep breath and thank Abba for all His blessings and let His love quiet me.

I ask You to help and You come
My ever-present help
I beg You to heal and You do
You heal all my wounds
I beg forgiveness and mercy You give
Endless flowing mercy and grace
I cry out in the darkest hour and don't see
But You're there holding me close
Though my faith runs and hides
You never change
Hold me forever in Your everlasting embrace
Let me see
Let me see Your face
Such grace
I can't take such Beauty
The Majesty, the glory of it all
I fall down on my face and worship
This. This is love, flowing freely
I've found love in this place