One of those days.

Today has been one of those days. One of those days where everything just seems off. One of those days where those old familiar demons start whispering the same lies into your ear. The lies start playing like a record over and over in your brain until you start believing them.

The two that get me the most are the "you're not good enough" and "you're alone". They were nipping at my heels hard today.

It's days like this I have to hold tight to the promises that God gives me in His word, that He never leaves me or forsakes me. That I am worthy because He says I am. I am worth dying for.

"For I am convinced that neither death nor life,
neither angels nor demons, neither the present
nor the future, nor any powers, neither height
 nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will
be able to separate us from the love of God that
 is in Christ Jesus our Lord."
Romans 8:38-39

2011 Plan of Action check-in

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

2011 Plan of Action...sort of

I wrote this plan of action, or in other words the things I wanted to accomplish this year, back in January. Since it is August now, I have been thinking about a lot of these things lately and have decided to re-visit them and see how much I've accomplished, with about 4 1/2 months left in the year.


1. Read through the Bible again exclusively using The Message.

I am so working on this. I decided early on not to exclusively use the Message, because I still enjoy reading the NIV for study. I still use The Message as a parallel quite often because it does help me understand it. I haven't been as consistent as I like with my time in the Word, but I am trying.


2. Live and work only to please God and not worry about what people think. I guess this is my "theme" for the year stemming from several Bible verses and conversations with God.

It's hard to gage where I am with this one. I think I have come to a point where I don't really care that much what others think about me. A lot of that has been God working on me and my self-esteem. I feel I've come a long way. I always hope that what I do is pleasing to Him, but I know being human it doesn't happen as much as it should.

3. Believe in myself enough to go for the things I want.

This one I'm still working on....
4. Be happily teaching SOMEWHERE.

I love the school I work at, and my new position as a resource teacher. Definitely accomplished this one.

5. Get my finances back in order and make smarter financial decisions. Be more thankful for what I do have and more generous with what I've been given.

I've been budgeting and trying not to spend more than I need. I began sponsoring a child from Bangladesh back in April, and hope to buy a water filter through them very soon. (Probably more than one).


6. Pay off ONE of my debts. At least.

I paid off TWO debts back in February. :-)


7. Deepen old and new friendships.

I think this has definitely happened, but I think it's mostly just because of time. Which works too.


8. Allow myself to become more transparent and not hold everything in.

Eh...

9. Be increasingly able to find JOY in the small things and the big things.

Working on my 1,000 Gifts list (Ann Voskamp's book), making sure I write some down everyday. Making sure I thank God for everything.

10. Acquire a roommate (I hate living alone!). I'm an extrovert for crying out loud!

Kacey will be here tomorrow! :-D



11. Get a phone that doesn't look like it barely survived a nuclear war.

Got my iPhone back in April and love it!


12. Exercise regularly. Run.

I was doing pretty well with this but then it got so HOT and my schedule got so crazy....I really am going to start back when it starts to cool down a bit.



13. Eat more fruit.

I've been eating a lot of smoothies and buying fresh fruit.


14. Learn how to cook better and do more of it.

Progress, progress.



15. Go on another roadtrip (preferrably to Montana or out west). They do my heart a whole world of good.

This may have to wait until 2012.


16. Care more about others, become increasingly less self-centered.

An ongoing effort.


17. Read a bunch of books.

I've been struggling a lot lately with reading and I don't know why. I used to read tons of books all the time. Makes me kind of sad.

18. Blog at times

Even have a blog for positive-ness.


19. Treat myself to shopping once in a while. It's good for a girl's soul.

Every once in a while, if I can. I do buy myself a season of Friends every payday.

20. Devote more time to drawing/painting etc.

I have been painting more and am working on a sketch. It will be the second I've done this year.



21. Print some pictures!! It's been a year and a half since NYC/DC/Boston. Still no prints.

I did!
 
Looking back, I think I accomplished a lot of things already.
 
The special educator in me wants to analyze my progress, check for mastery of goals, and set new ones.
 
We'll see.

What's next?

Life is full of milestones. We as individuals are always looking ahead to that next big step in life: high school graduation, college graduation, beginning a career,marriage, having children, retirement, etc. For most, after college begins a chain reaction of weddings, babies, buying houses and all the stuff that goes with that. I, on the other hand, have spent the past two years feeling "behind". I have attended numerous wedding showers, weddings, baby showers, and can't help thinking "when is it my turn?"

In the midst of all my self-pity and whining, God again proves faithful by not leaving me where I am. First He reminds me that I should never compare my life to other people's, no matter what. Then He reminds me that life is not about any of that stuff. Yes, it is all wonderful and is natural to be desired and pursued. He created families, and He created marriage, but not for mine or anyone else's fulfillment. It is all a symbol of His love for us. Everything is about Him.

"Steep your life in God-reality, God-initiative, God-provisions. Don't worry aboutH missing out. You'll find all your everyday human concerns will be met." Matt 6:33 (MSG)

In everything I must seek Him first.

Also He reminded me of not worrying about my current place in life. He is in control and has me right where He wants me. I need only worry about doing His will for my life.

"And don't be wishing you were someplace else or with someone else. Where you are right now is God's place for you. Live and obey and love and believe right there. God, not your marital status, defines your life. Don't think I'm being harder on you than on the others. I give this same counsel in all the churches." 1 Corinthians 7:17 (MSG)

All in all, I know that no matter where I am, I know I'm exactly where I need to be as long as I am geninely seeking Him and desiring to follow Him wherever He leads.

Silly fear

I think one of my biggest fears is that the people I love and cherish the most don't love and cherish me as much as I do them. Also there is the fear of losing that person's love and friendship by something I do or say. It's silly and juvenile to think these things, but I admit I do. It's all insecurity of course, but then I'm reminded of the rock-solid security I have in Christ's love for me. He not only says it over and over in His Word and blessings in my life, but He showed it once and for all on the Cross. As for the fear of not being as loved and treasured, it gives a small picture of how God must feel when He loves us so much but we only give Him part of ourselves or none at all. His want for us is righteous and holy unlike my fear, but it makes me want to examine my relationship with Him and make it right, because without that solid Foundation there will be no peace in my earthly relationships.

I've read through the entire Bible. It took me over two years, but I did it. Not many people can say that.
Trouble is, I spent a lot of my reading just trying to finish, not for transformation or wisdom.

I am reading through again, using a different plan. I plan on reading and re-reading through the Bible as long as God lets me. This time around, I am really really trying to soak in what I read. I have been praying over what I read, asking God to show me things that I haven't seen before. I can already tell that this time around is different.

Here are some things God has been showing me this past week through His Word, sermons, and books I've been reading:

1. In Ann Voskamp's book 1,000 Gifts, she basically says that the root of the Fall was ingratitude. That Adam and Eve had everything they needed, food, full communion with God, comfort, basically paradise. Except there is always a desire for more. Eve had everything but that fruit. It's what we can't have. It's the discontent with what we do have. Always desiring something else leaves the soul searching because it's not satisfying itself with the only One who can.

2. That desire left unfilled by God opens doors for sin. In the garden, the serpent distort God's Word to justify to Eve why she should eat of the fruit she knew she was commanded not to. I know I do that. Justify in my head why I can or can't do something, even to the point of distorting the Word.

3. I read in Genesis this week in chapter 4. It's the story of Cain and Abel. Usually I just breeze right on over these stories, but God showed me things I hadn't seen before. I saw Cain's pattern of sin grow. I saw how he started out with disobedience to God by not giving Him the best fruits of the soil, then jealousy because he was not receiving favor. Then the jealousy led to murder, lying, and self-seeking wallowing. The result of all this was alienation from God. (the fact that God let him live just demonstrates His great mercy!)
After reading over it I saw disobedience=alienation from God. Therefore sin=separation from God. Now I knew this, but I never saw it so plainly illustrated in the story of Cain and Abel. And I thought it was so awesome for God to show me something new in something I'd read a dozen times.

This passage jumped out at me, God speaking to Cain:
"If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must master it." Gen 4:7

4. Another thing that God has been speaking to me is about the Holy Spirit. I admit He wasn't talked about too much in the church I grew up in. It was discussed in our Wednesday night class at church, then of course so our Sunday church is talking about the same thing. It just really reinforced the being filled with the Spirit and emptying out all the sin and to be obedient.

All these things, obedience, gratitude, being Filled, being in the Word, praying...they really help us see with new eyes..with His eyes.

Reading is simply not enough. Anyone can do that. Satan knows the Word better than I do. It's applying and obeying and letting it transform us that counts. And it's also the faith in the God who wrote it: that He is good all the time, that He does not change, that He does work all things for good for those who love Him, and that He does keep His promises.
"For it is not those who hear the law who are righteous in God's sight, but it is those who obey the law who will be declared righteous". -Romans 2:13

Gifts.

This is one of my favorite things in all of God's creation. Sure, I love mountains. I love the ocean. But the sky. The sky is always changing. It's always new. It's always beautiful. It's also a daily reminder for me: This is a new day. I don't deserve it. It's certainly not owed to me. It is a gift. All gifts require a giver, and the giver of this day, all days, is a richly rewarding Father who delights in giving His children gifts.

I've been reading One Thousand Gifts: A Dare to Live Right Where You Are by Ann Voskamp. I learned about it through a friend and started reading it last week.

Oh. My.

Besides being an incredibly talented writer, she gets it. I mean really gets it. It is the story of her journey and how she learned to see God more through giving thanks in everything. Seeing the miracle of everyday life through simple gratitude. She began a list of 1,000 things that she saw as a gift, and how through purposely trying to see the beauty and wonder in every moment, we can slow time and see Him more and more.

Needless to say, it's been messing me up. In a good way. I've started my list. I'm going to be thankful in everything. At least...I'm going to try. I know I'm going to fail. My stubborn, foolish, prideful, ungrateful self is going to get in the way. That's a given. I just need to recognize that all that was crucified with Christ, and He is making me new everyday. I can't rely on my own strength.

New mercies. Pink and purple skies scream Mercy. The glory of Him is painted across the morning sky and I know He is there.

I think the heaviest thing I've read so far in her book, basically is when she said (and I'm paraphrasing) "He doesn't owe us anything. We owe Him everything. After all, He might not have done it."

 He may have not chosen to save us. He didn't have to. But He did.

We need not receive a single gift from His hand to be utterly in His debt and give Him ceaseless praise until we take our last breath. The One sacrifice made on Calvary was enough. IS enough. He is always enough. Yet still He gives. And blesses and gives.

This is what He has been showing me, the art of gratitude, of living, of seeing Him in everything because

"He is before all things, and in him all things hold together." Col 1:17

2011 Plan of Action...sort of

I have been thinking a lot about the things I want to accomplish this year and thought it would be a good idea to have some sort of plan of action to work towards achieving these goals. So..this is basically a repeat of a previous blog, but an expanded version.


1. Read through the Bible again exclusively using The Message.

I have picked the historical reading plan and already have January mapped out. I think I am really going to enjoy reading through the Bible again..and again.. :-) There is nothing like uncovering the character of our God, and it's awesome that He's made it so available to us.

2. Live and work only to please God and not worry about what people think. I guess this is my "theme" for the year stemming from several Bible verses and conversations with God.
This one is tough. There is really no "plan" for this one except lots of prayer. And more prayer. T
This is definitely not just a year plan, but one that is probably going to take my whole life to work on.


3. Believe in myself enough to go for the things I want.
Again. Prayer. :)
And a little effort on my part will probably help.

4. Be happily teaching SOMEWHERE.
Start my new job this week! :)

5. Get my finances back in order and make smarter financial decisions. Be more thankful for what I do have and more generous with what I've been given.
I am hoping my new job will help with this. I will also continue working at Publix part time and plan to save 100% of what I make there. I want to spend less and generally just be SMARTER about it.


6. Pay off ONE of my debts. At least.
Perhaps I'll start with one of the smaller ones...

7. Deepen old and new friendships.
This is going to take a lot of effort on my part. I just need to spend more time with those that matter.

8. Allow myself to become more transparent and not hold everything in.
Wow. Prayer is coming in a lot in this list...

9. Be increasingly able to find JOY in the small things and the big things.
Knowing always that my joy is found in God alone and nothing on this earth will ever EVER satisfy.

10. Acquire a roommate (I hate living alone!). I'm an extrovert for crying out loud!
Living alone isn't all bad...but having a roomie would be a bonus.

11. Get a phone that doesn't look like it barely survived a nuclear war.
I have an upgrade in June, so birthday present to myself will be a new phone!!

12. Exercise regularly. Run.
I want to schedule times throughout the week to run/exercise and stick to it. This has to happen.

13. Eat more fruit.
To accomplish this, I need to make more money.
I mean, fresh fruit is expensive!! But it is so good.

14. Learn how to cook better and do more of it.
I guess the best way to learn is to do more of it.

15. Go on another roadtrip (preferrably to Montana or out west). They do my heart a whole world of good.
Hopefully the saving of money will help towards this goal. I love traveling more than anything on this earth.

16. Care more about others, become increasingly less self-centered.
Yep. Praying. And effort. It's so easy for us to be so involved in ourselves, sadly.

17. Read a bunch of books.
This will mainly occur during the summer months.

18. Blog at times
I think I am actually going to start a blog about my teaching experience...we'll see. That will be coming soon.
19. Treat myself to shopping once in a while. It's good for a girl's soul.


20. Devote more time to drawing/painting etc.
I just need to set aside some time to relax and do some art. At least twice a month.

21. Print some pictures!! It's been a year and a half since NYC/DC/Boston. Still no prints.
Get my butt to Walgreen's.