Here's the deal: I'm spending far too much time doing things that have no real value. I'm browsing social media all the time. It's the first thing I do when I wake up, it's the last thing I do before I go to bed. I'm embarrased to even admit that, but it's the ugly truth. I've even told myself I should be using that time to pray, to read the Bible, but have I done it? Not hardly. I should be spending time in the Word when I get home from work, but do I do it? Nope. I'd rather watch TV.
I pray and ask God for help in so many things. I want to feel less lonely, I want better friendships, I want a better relationship with my parents, I want to feel better about myself, I want want want....and in the past few days He has revealed to me that none of these things will happen until I learn to seek Him. I mean really seek Him. 10 minutes of passively reading the Bible everyday is not seeking. I'm not putting Him first. I am filling the emptiness and spiritual thirst within me with earthly idols that do not satisfy.
I use the excuse that I'm lonely and have no one at home to talk to, and the internet is my way of connecting. It's a complete lie and completely ridiculous. Yes, I live alone, and yes, it sucks at times. But I know I am never alone, He is always with me, and I am surrounded by wonderful friends who love me, even when I am not so loveable, and I get to interact with people on a daily basis.
I truly want nothing more than to know Him better and see Him do amazing things in my life and in those around me. I know in order for this to happen I need to be intentional about seeking Him and put the things that I am giving my affections to the side and focus my love on the One who loves me furiously and without ceasing. It is my heart's desire to follow Him completely.
That being said, it's time to take a break from social media. For real. I'm deleting the apps from my phone, and only using the internet for work/email etc. I'm limiting my TV time, and I may even take it out as well. I can't expect things to change radically in my life if I'm not willing to take the first steps. I haven't set a time limit on this time off, but I'm looking foward to what God will say to me through this and the changes He will make in my life.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Sunday, January 22, 2012
I'm not gonna lie. Today has been hard.
I've been thinking a lot about my life, and where it's going, and if I'm truly following God in all of it. I don't know about you, but I'm in a place where sometimes I just ask "seriously?" I will be 26 this year and all I feel like I'm showing for my life is a week filled with work and an empty apartment to come home to.
This is the part where you're thinking "this girl is such a whiner".
Please understand that I am thankful. Probably not like I should be, but I know, I KNOW I am blessed to have a job, to have friends and family that love me.
So this is where I get stuck. When I start to feel the loneliness creeping in, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because lets be honest. Most of my friends are married and probably dont want to hear about my chronic single life. I know I wouldn't. So usually I just keep my feelings to myself because
I don't want to sound like a complainer. And the truth is I don't. I wish I didn't want to be with people so much. I pray everyday for Jesus to fill all my needs and wants.
I dont know why I let my current status get to me so much. I am only human after all.
I want to surrender everything and just let it go.
I feel like I can never fully express how I truly feel to others, but I do take comfort in the fact that when days are hard like today, I can just lay it all down at the feet of the One who laid His life down for me and knows my heart completely.
I've been thinking a lot about my life, and where it's going, and if I'm truly following God in all of it. I don't know about you, but I'm in a place where sometimes I just ask "seriously?" I will be 26 this year and all I feel like I'm showing for my life is a week filled with work and an empty apartment to come home to.
This is the part where you're thinking "this girl is such a whiner".
Please understand that I am thankful. Probably not like I should be, but I know, I KNOW I am blessed to have a job, to have friends and family that love me.
So this is where I get stuck. When I start to feel the loneliness creeping in, I don't want to talk to anyone about it, because lets be honest. Most of my friends are married and probably dont want to hear about my chronic single life. I know I wouldn't. So usually I just keep my feelings to myself because
I don't want to sound like a complainer. And the truth is I don't. I wish I didn't want to be with people so much. I pray everyday for Jesus to fill all my needs and wants.
I dont know why I let my current status get to me so much. I am only human after all.
I want to surrender everything and just let it go.
I feel like I can never fully express how I truly feel to others, but I do take comfort in the fact that when days are hard like today, I can just lay it all down at the feet of the One who laid His life down for me and knows my heart completely.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012
2011 was an interesting year. It brought me a new job, new experiences, new friends, and new insights. It was a good year. I like good, but things can always be better. At the close of 2011 I find many areas still in need of improvement, and like most people I find that the start of a new year offers a good place to start making positive changes.
My goal for this year and beyond is to live intentionally. This means that I will not merely glide through each day just to get to the next, or simply live for the weekend. That attitude is life-wasting and opposite of what God intends for my life. I want to live with a purpose, and that requires both His direction and my willingness to listen, act and follow through. I know there is so much that He has for me, but it requires me to intentionally seek those things and actively pursue them. I also know there is so much more I can be doing for Him, if I would simply be obedient.
My main goals for this year are to improve in the areas of money, health, and spirtitual growth.
I've also made a love list of some things I would like to do this year. It will probably grow and change as time goes on:
1. Learn Spanish & sign language
2. Learn to fly a plane (or at least look into it)
3. Live each day intentionally
4. Be content with what I have in the moment I'm in
5. Be more generous with time, money
6. Read (at least 3 books a month)
7. Purposely read and study the Bible every day.
8. Love ridiculously
9. Travel to a new place
10. Pursue photography
11. Plan more
12. Cook more meals
My goal for this year and beyond is to live intentionally. This means that I will not merely glide through each day just to get to the next, or simply live for the weekend. That attitude is life-wasting and opposite of what God intends for my life. I want to live with a purpose, and that requires both His direction and my willingness to listen, act and follow through. I know there is so much that He has for me, but it requires me to intentionally seek those things and actively pursue them. I also know there is so much more I can be doing for Him, if I would simply be obedient.
My main goals for this year are to improve in the areas of money, health, and spirtitual growth.
I've also made a love list of some things I would like to do this year. It will probably grow and change as time goes on:
1. Learn Spanish & sign language
2. Learn to fly a plane (or at least look into it)
3. Live each day intentionally
4. Be content with what I have in the moment I'm in
5. Be more generous with time, money
6. Read (at least 3 books a month)
7. Purposely read and study the Bible every day.
8. Love ridiculously
9. Travel to a new place
10. Pursue photography
11. Plan more
12. Cook more meals
Monday, December 26, 2011
Ah, family.
I've been starting and restarting this blog all week. I've experienced so many emotions this week and I've never been very good at expressing them. I've been staying with my family for a week now. We've had a lot of good times this week. I would even say the fun times have definitely outweighed the stressful. Saying anything to the contrary wouldn't be fair. That being said, the source of my stress has really been my heartbreak over decisions and actions of another famliy member. Confronting it. Dealing with it. Have I gone about it the right way? Probably not. I think the most heartbreaking part of it all is that I was seeing myself in the whole situation. It is fair to think that I was directing a lot of anger at myself.
I'm human. I definitely make mistakes. I try to fix things. I try to do things the way I think they should be done. In the process I've uncovered some ugly in my heart that only shows that when I'm pointing out flaws in others I'm really pointing a critical finger into a mirror.
In the midst of this, being away from home, away from my element and the comfort of friends and familiarity, I've been thinking about other things that before I've put in the back of my mind. Things that I tend to not worry about when I'm at home, or at least I don't want to think about. Things that I shouldn't have allowed to affect the other things. There is much hurt in my heart that I pray I can soon let go.
All this being said, there have been moments this week where parts of me have been exposed. Some good, some not so good. Emotions have been building inside all week until tonight when that family member and I found ourselves bawling our eyes out after a simple trip to Wal-Mart. In the end, I had to tell her that I said things that I didn't mean because I care so deeply about her, and don't want to see her go down a path of destruction. Thoughts were shared, hearts were poured and truths were given. Things got real, and real scares the hell out of me. I don't like to be vulnerable. I was faced with anxiety, and my first reaction is always to flee. Most of the time I think I'm trying to escape myself.
After the raw emotions lay bare and the tears were shed, I think now there is an understanding. I wish I didn't care so much, but I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didn't. I think now I've expressed myself the right way, and I feel peace about it. I need to continue to allow God to work, because He loves her more than I can or ever will, and He seeks her out with a furious longing, just as He sought me and drew me to Himself when I was wandering. I can find rest in that simple fact. I have to remember that it's not people I'm fighting against, but the powers of darkness and Satan himself, and it's him my beef is with.
At the end of it all, I truly have had a good time. Even so, I am ready to go home and after a day of shopping tomorrow I will be ready to pack up my car and head back to Georgia Wednesday morning. I miss Milledgeville.
I'm human. I definitely make mistakes. I try to fix things. I try to do things the way I think they should be done. In the process I've uncovered some ugly in my heart that only shows that when I'm pointing out flaws in others I'm really pointing a critical finger into a mirror.
In the midst of this, being away from home, away from my element and the comfort of friends and familiarity, I've been thinking about other things that before I've put in the back of my mind. Things that I tend to not worry about when I'm at home, or at least I don't want to think about. Things that I shouldn't have allowed to affect the other things. There is much hurt in my heart that I pray I can soon let go.
All this being said, there have been moments this week where parts of me have been exposed. Some good, some not so good. Emotions have been building inside all week until tonight when that family member and I found ourselves bawling our eyes out after a simple trip to Wal-Mart. In the end, I had to tell her that I said things that I didn't mean because I care so deeply about her, and don't want to see her go down a path of destruction. Thoughts were shared, hearts were poured and truths were given. Things got real, and real scares the hell out of me. I don't like to be vulnerable. I was faced with anxiety, and my first reaction is always to flee. Most of the time I think I'm trying to escape myself.
After the raw emotions lay bare and the tears were shed, I think now there is an understanding. I wish I didn't care so much, but I wouldn't be able to face myself if I didn't. I think now I've expressed myself the right way, and I feel peace about it. I need to continue to allow God to work, because He loves her more than I can or ever will, and He seeks her out with a furious longing, just as He sought me and drew me to Himself when I was wandering. I can find rest in that simple fact. I have to remember that it's not people I'm fighting against, but the powers of darkness and Satan himself, and it's him my beef is with.
At the end of it all, I truly have had a good time. Even so, I am ready to go home and after a day of shopping tomorrow I will be ready to pack up my car and head back to Georgia Wednesday morning. I miss Milledgeville.
Monday, November 21, 2011
Vacation!!!
Happiness is all wrapped up in the title. It is vacation time and I have been looking forward to this week off since July 29. Don't get me wrong, I love my job (most of the time) but with any work we like a break. I'm extremely grateful for a job that gives me such breaks, because working retail for 8 years taught me that not everyone has that luxury.
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
That being said, these breaks are sweet and I am so glad I get to spend Thanksgiving week with my sister, nephew and niece. I've spent quite a few Thanksgivings here and always have a good time. I was feeling adventurous when I left this afternoon and decided I wanted to take a different route. I have always in the past taken I-16 to I-95, which took me about 5 hours or so. It's a very boring drive. My google maps showed me a route that took me through all the little towns in south Georgia on the back roads. I decided to do it. It was 50 miles less and I figured even if I wasn't going as fast I would get there around the same time.
Turns out I really enjoyed the drive. It was different, I had plenty of different scenery to look at, and the speed limit in most parts was around 65mph, so I wasn't puttering. I took one or two wrong turns, but nothing that slowed me down. All in all, it took me around 4 hours and 45 minutes, which if I had not turned the wrong way a few times it probably would have ended up saving me almost 30 minutes. That coupled with the different scenery will probably mean I take this route from now on.
Tomorrow I get to spend the day with my niece Madison, who is growing up to be such a funny little girl. I love her to death. She goes to the Florida School for the Deaf and the Blind in St. Augustine (she's blind) and she is out all week. My nephew still has school tomorrow. Wednesday I will get to see my long lost friend Kacey!!! I love her! Very excited to get to see her. It makes my heart very happy to know that there are other people in Florida that I love and get to see when I visit.
My sister has already introduced me to two amazing things since I've arrived: yogurt covered pretzels that are PUMPKIN flavored, AND Shock-top beer that is pumpkin wheat flavored. She knows how to win my heart for sure. I love this time of year, spending time with family and eating and drinking all things pumpkin. I'm looking forward to eating and shopping and just being with them this week.
My God is very good to me. :)
Monday, November 14, 2011
Oh for Joy
I have been bouncing around a thankfulness blog in my head for the past week or so. I've been allowing myself to slide into this "woe is me" mentality and I just don't like the thought pattern I've adopted as of late. It's entirely ridiculous and completely unfounded. I'm human, I stumble, I don't do things the way I should. I could stop there and use that excuse to justify my attitude, but as a child of the Creator of the Universe I can't really wallow in any sort of self-pity. It's sin. No other word for it.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Unhappiness is just too much work. Especially when there's no need for it. I feel like the spoiled little child on Christmas morning who is surrounded by every nice thing imaginable but throws a tantrum because there was one particular thing they didn't get.
Since I am so blessed beyond belief, not only do I want to recognize my blessings (today and everyday), but I want to share them. Whether it be sharing my money, resources, time, or just a kind word, this is what I want my life to reflect.
What I'm thankful for:
My Family:
Family can drive us crazy and make us want to pull out our hair sometimes. My family has made me feel this way more than I care to admit, but in all fairness I know I gave them more trouble than anyone should growing up. While all families (mine included) are messy, have broken relationships and hurtful pasts, I can say that I always knew that I was loved, and I was cared for. Families are a group of flawed individuals and with that comes baggage, but for the most part there were a lot of good times and I know they are always there for me. Some relationships are strained and have drifted apart (like with my dad) but still there is love there. I know that there are so many children and adults who have been abused and never felt loved so I know I can definitely be grateful for mine. I'll make my jokes about them but I love them very much. I'm grateful for my mom and my sisters.
My Church:
Northridge has been such a saving grace for me. In college I was wandering and searching for hope and a deeper sense of self-worth. Ultimately I was searching for Christ and for Him to fill me and give me a sense of purpose. It was here I found Him and so many wonderful friends that have come to be like my family. I realize it wasn't the building or the people by themselves that had any kind of power, but the Holy Spirit working through them that drew me in. I'm thankful that God was so patient with me. (and still is EVERY day).
My Friends:
I have some of the very best friends, who are all equally filled with awesome. The funny thing is that I've acquired most of the best ones within the last 4 years or so. I know for a fact God strategically placed me where I am so I could meet these people. They have been there for me even when I know I haven't been a good friend, and sometimes I know I'm not. They've been there for vacations, road trips, movie nights, talks, concerts, book talks, and so many other things. The best friends are the ones you can just "be" with and don't even have to do anything. I love them all very much.
My Job(s):
I'm fortunate enough to have not one but two jobs. One is a career, one where I'm actually using my degree (crazy, I know). It's been stressful for sure, but nothing beats doing something you love and getting paid for it. God has provided for me every step of the way where I not only can take care of me, but also bless others. I am thankful for work when so many people are out of work.
My apartment:
Villamar has been my favorite place I've lived since I've been on my own. It's quiet, spacious and cozy. Even with the special critter guests I've had lately still an awesome apartment.
My health:
I'm healthy. I have near perfect vision without correction, and all my other senses work fine. I am not in pain and can get around just fine. While I realize any of these things can be taken away, I am thankful for them now and hope I never take them for granted.
This list could go on for a long time but some other things I am thankful for are America's freedoms, clean water, more than enough to eat and wear, leisure time, the colors of fall, vacations, sunrises and sunsets, my car, and all things pumpkin.
I needed to write this and I want to focus on these things everyday so I don't keep becoming the brat I know I was not created to be. When I'm focusing on the blessings, I'm actually focusing on Christ.
I pray my eyes don't wander anyplace else.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Motivation
I was on a walk today and a lot of things were rolling around my crazy, unorganized mind. I was thinking a lot about motivation. Why do I want the things I want? Why do I do the things I do?
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
It's important to think about these things and examine the heart behind the choices I make. I kept thinking about Jesus and the pharisees and how He always rebuked them not for the things they did, but the things they were thinking and their hearts' condition while they were doing the things they did. Jesus saw right through their religious exterior and saw them for what they were: prideful, self-seeking men who were supposed to be leading the Jewish people in the ways of Yahweh but instead the only purpose they served was to make themselves look good.
I see myself being a pharisee more than I'd care to admit. When I truly think about the reasons why I do things I too often realize that *I* am the key motivation.
*I* want to be made more comfortable.
*I* want to be made more of.
*I* want to get all the credit.
*I* want people to praise me and the work I do.
*I* want the recognition.
The problem with this is that I truly can't do anything on my own. I am completely dependent on God. He is the only One who can make something out of nothing. This is evident in the fact that He has made me something.
When I first started to follow Christ I really struggled with the whole list of "do's and don'ts" and trying to figure out "is this okay?" or "is that okay?". The more I read the Bible however I realized that it's not what I do, it's the heart behind it. It has to start with relationship.
We don't do good things and then God loves us and saves us. We are not good.
He saved us already, He loved us already, and when we realize this and build our relationship with Him, the good things we tried to do before on our own will automatically flow out of us as a result of Him changing our hearts and filling us with the Spirit.
Lately I've been struggling with my decisions and my dreams. My next steps. I'm at a place in my life where I, God willing, have my whole life ahead of me. I want God to lead me in everything that I do and show me where I need to go, but at the same time I am steadily giving Him my requests and what I want and where I want to go, because obviously I know what's best. (yeah. right.)
I have to wonder though, why do I want the things I want? Is it because it's beneficial to the kingdom or because the world says I have to have these things? Is it because it's "normal" to take that next step or because it's something God really wants me to do? I honestly don't want to lead a normal life, because that is not what I was called to do. I want to fulfill my calling in this life to change the world around me for Jesus and lead others to Him.
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