This morning I woke up, put on a pot of coffee, and opened my Bible.
You might think me a bit pretentious to point that out.
Truth be told, I haven't done that in a while, open my Bible. An act so simple and important yet I've neglected it. But thankfully God is always waiting there when I do realize I'm not enough on my own and actually need Him.
The wandering Israelite feeling remorseful for making that golden calf.
As soon as I began reading I wonder why I ever stopped. So many things began to pop out at me.
In the third chapter of Ephesians Paul writes about "the stewardship of God's grace" that had been given to him.
That word, stewardship, jumped off the page at me.
Paul is not merely a recipient of God's grace, but he is a steward of it. Meaning he is meant not only to keep it to himself, but to give it out as freely as he had taken it in. As a steward of something it isn't mine, I'm only in charge of it.
I had always known of my calling to be a good steward of my stuff, of my money, but I never really thought of also being called to be a steward of everything God gives me, not just the tangible and temporal. I am also to give out grace, love, mercy, forgiveness, and all the other blessings he has freely poured out on me.
These things are not to be given begrudgingly or obligatory, but freely. No strings attached.
He never asks us to give to others what He himself has not already given to each of us.
I pray that I take what He has given to me and share it abundantly, and honor the greatest gift of His sacrifice.
This one word can easily describe how I've felt the past year or so.
I guess after college there came about a certain pressure to "fit in" somewhere or "be" at a certain place in life (and maybe I put that pressure on myself) but I never felt like I did. I still don't. I spent a long time lamenting this fact. Lamenting the fact that I am not married. Lamenting the fact that I don't have children. Yet, all my friends do. I felt left out. I felt like all my friends connected so much better with each other because they were moms and wives and shared the same struggles. I felt like I was standing still while everyone else sped on by me, going on with their lives.
And here I am. Still standing there, wondering what's next. When will it be my turn?
Yet lately my thought processes have changed while my circumstances haven't. I've been thinking that all those things are not the end-all be-all of existence. I have a job, family and friends that I love and love me, yet I can't help thinking "Is this it?" The more I've questioned and pleaded with God to tell me "why", the more He's revealing to me that maybe my circumstances haven't changed because I'm meant to do something...here.
Now.
Where. I. Am.
Perhaps I'm not tied down because I'm supposed to go do something that requires my freedom. Who am I to ask "why?" when I should be asking "where?" and "what?". This restlessness inside of me could simply be the life I'm supposed to live trying to get out, but I've been too busy lamenting the fact that I'm not living someone else's.
Instead of asking "When is it my turn?" I've decided that maybe I'm in the wrong line altogether. I need to follow His plans, because they are infinitely better than mine can ever hope to be. They are also scary as hell, but I can't let fear keep me from living my life. God doesn't stir up our souls for us to sit idly by and let others do the work.
So now as I consider and pray about what is the next step in my life, I ask that you would pray also. Pray for clarity, and for God to satisfy this restlessness that I have for something bigger than myself.
If I give everything I own to the poor and even go to the stake to be burned as a martyr, but I don’t love, I’ve gotten nowhere. So, no matter what I say, what I believe, and what I do, I’m bankrupt without love.
Love never gives up. Love cares more for others than for self. Love doesn’t want what it doesn’t have. Love doesn’t strut, Doesn’t have a swelled head, Doesn’t force itself on others, Isn’t always “me first,” Doesn’t fly off the handle, Doesn’t keep score of the sins of others, Doesn’t revel when others grovel, Takes pleasure in the flowering of truth, Puts up with anything, Trusts God always, Always looks for the best, Never looks back, But keeps going to the end.
Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incompletes will be canceled.
-1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (The Message)
We often think of weddings or cheesy Nicholas Sparks movies when we read this verse. We love love. We love how it makes us feel. We love watching people fall in love. We certainly love reading about it and watching it unfold in overly emotional movies.
What God is saying in this verse is a message that goes far beyond the love between a man and a woman. It speaks of Love that is stronger than the grave. Love that covers a multitude of sins. Love that conquers.
As this year has begun to unfold, God has been revealing to me just how much my life is lacking love.When I read this verse I see a list of fruit. If I'm loving I'm not jealous of what someone else has. If I'm loving I'm not bragging. If I'm loving I'm thinking about someone else's feelings before my own. One thing I know about God is that when I'm truly seeking Him he will begin to show me where I'm falling short. It's not fun but it's a vital part of spiritual growth. When I honestly take a look at myself I see that I'm wanting things that others have, that I'm bringing up wrongs others have done, I'm not being patient, I'm thinking of my own comfort and convenience instead of what's best for someone else, I'm picking out other's faults (while amazingly ignoring ALL of mine) instead of focusing on the good, I'm stirring up problems instead of seeking peace, I'm choosing drama instead of humility....the list goes on. When I compare myself to this list, when I hold myself to this standard, I fall shamefully short. No matter what "good" I do, without love it's all pointless.
This year I want to focus on loving lavishly and without reservation.
This year (today!) I resolve to choose love.
I choose to be happy for others.
I choose to be patient.
I choose to intentionally encourage others.
I choose to focus on the good in people, not on their faults.
I choose to forgive.
I choose to out-love those who love me. And those who don't.
I choose to love even when I don't feel loved.
I choose to be kind. Even when I don't feel like it.
I choose to be generous.
I choose to love myself, even when it's hard.
I choose to love. Completely.
Because He loved me first.
Since the Mayans were wrong, I have the opportunity to look back on 2012 and everything that transpired in those 366 days (hooray leap year!).
This year I was able to see one of my favorite bands in concert, Needtobreathe. It was an excellent show with even more excellent friends. Hope 2013 holds another opportunity to see these guys.
I took this video near the end of the concert. They unplugged everything and didn't use microphones for this song. It was incredible.
Spring break I finally had the opportunity to go with my church to Show low, Arizona on a mission trip. We spent the week doing various jobs around the grounds of the school they have for the Apache children, as well as go on to the reservation and minister to the children in their neighborhoods. We took the "Blue bus" around the neighborhoods and when the children heard the loud horn they just came running out towards the bus.
The blue bus
We shared a brief Bible story with them, prayed with them, and the best part was when we simply played with them.
It was a wonderful week of being the Hands and Feet. I enjoyed spending time with the children, but another great aspect of this trip was the time spent with the mission team. We worked side by side together, prayed, laughed and cried together. There was no dissension or tension amongst the team the entire week, which is a miracle in itself considering we spent an entire week in close quarters. :-)
My favorite part of the week and probably the most powerful was when we went to the top of a hill overlooking the reservation, spent some time in worship, and then we all spread out to pray over the Apache nation.
View overlooking the reservation
In June I was able to spend another week at Woodland Christian Camp with the wonderful middle schoolers that come out every year. This year was special because I got to spend my 26th birthday with all the staff and campers. If you really want to hear "Happy Birthday" 1,000 times, go to camp on your birthday. :-) It was a really awesome week.
The awesome female camp staff
The summer also brought a whirlwind of trips and visiting family that kept me busy and my heart full. A few days after camp I drove 9 hours to visit my parents in Virginia. On this trip I also got to meet my new nephew Logan.
We visited museums, spent time on the beach, and relaxed.
I also spent some rare time in Florida with both of my sisters, whom I love very much. Now that we all live in different states, getting to spend time together, all three of us, is very difficult. We spent a few days in Orlando at Universal Studios hanging with my niece and nephew by the pool and enjoying everything Universal has to offer (like Harry Potter World!!!)
At the end of July I left Publix (again) and spent the entire month of August not working. It was a good month relaxing and getting ready to start the new school year.
September brought the birth of an amazingly cute baby- Avery Joseph. I love this baby. His mama is pretty awesome too. :-)
Visiting Avery at the hospital
In November I did something I've always wanted to do, but never thought I would: get a tattoo. I am so glad I finally decided to go through with it because I love it so much. You can read about why I chose to get what I did here.
2012 also brought the decision to start Grad school, and to move away from Milledgeville. Both were big decisions and I am confident that these are only the beginnings to bigger and better things that God has for me in 2013. It was a great year, and looking back on everything only reminds me how full my life is of friends, family, love and adventure.
So I don't blog very much. Mostly because I don't use eloquent prose and I don't have a "way with words" that make people ooh and ahhh over my writing. That's ok. I'm more of a sketch artist anyways. ;-)
But sometimes there are things I just want to share, that I need to share, regardless of what others might think.
This originally started as a blog about community and why I love where I live and why I feel it's not so bad to drive an hour to work every day, and I threw a bit in about why I'm getting my tattoo tomorrow. Then I found there was so much actually behind the tattoo, that it deserved a blog all it's own. So here goes.
The verse my tattoo is based on is this:
Then He who sat on the
throne said, “Behold, I make all things new.” And He said to me,[a] “Write, for these words are
true
and faithful.” Revelation 21:5
First of all the thing that gripped me was that He is making all things new. I know for a
fact I need to be made new every day, and I know that in this broken
and fallen world the thought of all of the pain and hurt and ugliness
being made new fills me with incredible joy and love for my God.
And most of all He made me new.
Me? Really?
Me.
Broken, lost, sinner.
He didn't just cover up the ugly parts.
He made me into a completely new creature.
Why?
Love. Mercy. Grace.
New. You have to know where you've been, and you have to see how far He's carried you to really feel the weight of that word.
When I was a teenager I felt really lost. I don't think I realized how much at the time, but looking back I didn't know what I was doing with myself. I was very unhappy with who I was, I was angry at my parents, at God, and just didn't see a point in anything. I hung out with people who weren't the best influences and did things I shouldn't have. I searched for happiness and validation in the stupidest things. I was so ready to get out on my own and have my "independence". When I finally moved to Milledgeville my junior year of college, that chance finally came. With my new found freedom I found myself finding more things to get lost in, more reasons to be unhappy, and even more shallow things with which to validate myself.
What I didn't know was that God was orchestrating a wonderful sequence of events that at the time seemed unrelated until I was able to look back and see His fingerprints all over them. Things that led me to Jesus, to wanting to know Him more. To finally realizing that the freedom I desired all along actually came in giving up all my rights to my life completely.
With seeking came finding. With finding came knowing. With knowing came loving.
My desires began to change. My priorities shifted. Things I used to think were important, seemed trivial. My eyes opened up to the world outside of myself. I saw that there's a story that's bigger than just me, MUCH bigger, but He has allowed me to be a part of it. I don't have to follow a list of rules, but I want to do what He wants. His priorities are mine.
It's difficult to understand why He would use me, when I'm so messed up and broken. And the truth of it is that I AM still broken and still messed up. I still deal with most of the same insecurities and issues, but the difference now is I don't do it alone, and I don't stay there. He won't let me. I'm not the person I was before. Every day I'm becoming more new. Not because of me, but because of Jesus. Every great thing I've done or said or thought or imagined has been because of His love, mercy and grace.
To know that I'm not just recycled but actually new is the reason I want the reminder of Revelation 21:5 on me as long as I live.
"Happiness is a cheap, cheap substitute for joy". -Matt Chandler
I heard this quote while listening to one of Chandler's sermons one time and it has stuck with me ever since.
Happiness is something we all want to feel and most of us spend our entire lives searching for it. Unfortunately, happiness is a very dependent state of being. It depends on what we have It depends on feelings and circumstances. Our feelings and emotions lie, and circumstances can change in an instant. Anyone who has lived any amount of time knows that the things around us can be taken away in an instant. If we base our happiness on these things, then our happiness is also taken along with them. If this fluctuating happiness is all we have, then the troubles that Jesus promises we will have will undoubtedly consume us.
God calls us to something so much better, so much more fulfilling than happiness.
He freely gives and wants us to attain joy.
Joy is different.
It does not depend on what we have.
It does not depend on what is going on in our lives.
It does not depend on the people around us.
I've been thinking a lot lately on joy, how I would define it.
Joy is being confident that the Creator of the universe, the ocean, pine needles, and fireflies loves me, and nothing can separate me from that love.
Joy is knowing that my sins are taken care of, once and for all.
Joy is knowing that I'm never alone.
Joy is the peace that He who loves me also has complete control of my circumstances.
Joy is the realization that if I'm still breathing, He isn't done with me yet.
Joy is the confidence to approach the Throne of Grace and cast my anxieties upon Him, knowing that He cares about each and every one of them.
Joy is knowing that no matter where I am, He is working all things for my good. Joy is knowing Christ.
In the past few months or so I've gone back and forth with the decision to end my employment with Publix. I left once before to begin teaching and have spent a cumulative 9 years there. They've been good to me and it's been mostly fun, but with my school system going back to 5 days this year I find it hard to justify continuing to work there. So with much prayer and deliberation, I decided to quit. I don't actually have to go back to school until August 28th, so technically I could work another month...but really I haven't had time to just relax and have a real summer. I will kick this off by spending some time with my wonderful sisters, niece and nephew in Florida next weekend. :-)
So, in order to keep myself from becoming bored and idle, I've come up with a list of things I want to do/accomplish over the next month:
1. Read at least 3 books. If I read more, great. At least one is going to be non-fiction, which most likely will be The Explicit Gospel by Matt Chandler.
2. Download music, and create a playlist or two. Open to new song suggestions.
3. Organize photos and make some prints.
4. Pursue my photography and take some pictures somewhere pretty.
